Kosher bagels and the inanity of it all

A bunch of hours ago I walked into the nearby bagel shop to buy something to eat. Inside, I spotted a big cardboard sign:

ONCE THE BAGELS ARE CUT IN THE STORE, THEY ARE NO LONGER KOSHER.

I’m Jewish, so I’ve seen signs like this my whole life. I have some grasp of kosher law, and all the little nooks and crannies and oddball behaviors. For some reason, though, in today’s darkened mood, I (mentally) snapped.

In a word: Stupid. Sooooooooooo fucking stupid. I’m sorry Jewish friends; I’m sorry kosher friends. But this is one of the dumbest things in the history of the world. If I told you that I can’t eat some bagels, because the space aliens dwelling within my mailbox say it won’t taste good, I’d be laughed off the stage. And rightfully so. But, somewhere in this enormous universe of ours, God is watching to make certain that your precious bagels are handled properly.

Glub.

Here’s what I’m thinking today: Too much (and I’m being polite here) organized religion is based on inane voodoo crap.

• Kosher: God’s OK with you eating this, God’s not OK with you eating that. It can be cut this way, but not that way. If a rabbi oversees the preparation, you’re good. Here’s my favorite part: The kosher laws are insanely important. Yet most of the orthodox families I know have a large number of kids … drive these enormous gas-guzzling klunkers. Etc.

• The power of prayer: Little Jim was in the hospital. We prayed for him. Now he’s out of the hospital. The power of prayer! An entire tribe in the Sudan is sluaghtered by ethnic cleansing. They didn’t know Jesus. They’re dead. If only they prayed.

• Faith: If you have faith, God will take care of you. Why? Because he can see in your heart and soul. However, if you have faith and God doesn’t take care of you (happens quite often), you need faith more than ever. Because God is testing your faith. So, when there’s no reason to have faith, have faith.

• Churches: Jesus was a simple man. Walked with sinners. Would he really wanna be praised in a stadium?

This blog is for venting.

Pardon the vent.

5 thoughts on “Kosher bagels and the inanity of it all”

  1. Some of these inane religious rules have an origin that made sense…at one time, but no longer do. As I understand it, much of the kosher rules were designed to keep people from dying from eating poorly prepared foods. That made sense 3000 years ago, but not so much today. Catholic bans against abortion and contraception were designed to create more Catholics. That made sense 2000 years ago when there were few Catholics, but not so much today. Religions aren’t keeping up with the times.

  2. Lighten up man….I think that sign is a double entendre.

    In New York, the sale of whole bagels isn’t subject to sales tax. But the tax does apply to “sliced or prepared bagels (with cream cheese or other toppings),” according to the state Department of Taxation and Finance. And if the bagel is eaten in the store, even if it’s never been touched by a knife, it’s also taxed.

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704340504575448033463314628.html

    It could also be the store owner’s clever way of saying “Paying higher taxes is NOT kosher!!!”

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