JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

The weakest GOP field ever

Barack Obama has greatly disappointed me. I’ve made that clear here 1,000 times over, and it’s as true today as ever before. In regard to the debt ceiling, he’s going to cave again. In regard to the economy, he has done little to strike at the heart of corporate greed. Truth be told, I’m not even sure why Republicans loathe the guy so much—he hasn’t touched taxes, and he’s about as conservative as Bush.

All that being said …

I look at the Republican field of potential candidates and think … really? This is the best you’ve got?

My quick breakdown:

NOT REAL THREATS:

Newt Gingrich: Has no money and nobody actually seems to like him. I can’t figure out why he’s here, save for ego. Weird.

Tim Pawlenty: He should be a real threat. He looks like a real threat, has the background of a real threat. But he’s banking on Iowa, and, well, this is gonna be ugly. Just a very bad, uninspiring campaigner. And, come day’s end, an election is big part beauty contest.

Thaddeus McCotter: Michigan congressman knocks on 100 U.S. doors. How many people know who he is? I’d say … zero.

Charles Roemer III: Once was the governor of Louisiana. Which is sorta like owning a Jiffy Lube.

Herman Cain: He’s African-American. Enough said.

VERY UNLIKELY

Ron Paul: He says many things that make much sense—and many other things that make so sense whatsoever. In other words, he’s the GOP mirror image of Dennis Kucinich.

Rick Santorum: I would donate a foot to have Santorum as the GOP candidate. He’s so pathetic, so weak, so uninspiring—just a dweeb in a suit. Loves Jesus, dislikes gays, thinks we need to return to the 1950s, when bread was a nickel a load.

THE HEADLINERS

John Huntsman: The former Utah governor is a moderate, (relatively) level-headed Republican who actually served as Obama’s ambassador to China. He’s the only person here I’d even consider maybe possibly voting for. But while he’s extremely electible, he’s off the Tea Party radar.

Mitt Romney: If one calls himself the frontrunner enough, he’s the frontrunner. Romney has business and government experience, and he’s handsome, but, man, something’s way off. He’s extremely polished, but flip flops on everything. I know we say this about all politicians, but here it’s true. A general election would be fugly for him, because the Dems would play the clips of him saying one thing and doing another over and over and over again. That said, his Who Let The Dogs Out moment was truly awesome.

Michele Bachman: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but right now this crazy mofo is the frontrunner. She’s arch conservative and three scoops past crazy. But the Tea Party loves her, and she’s not afraid to mix it up. On the bright side, it’d be a most entertaining election. On the down side, dear God—she might win. Because she’s atractive. And, as Palin Mania proved, we vote for cuties.

Rick Perry: The Texas governor talks big, walks with a strut and wears a six-gallon hat. Remind you of anyone? Also once said Texas should consider leaving the nation. A dangerous politician, but severely flawed.
THE PREDICTION:

If I’m a betting man, I say it’ll be Romney, with Perry as his VP …