JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Headaches & Hypo

I am a hypochondriac who, every few months, finds a new reason to think he’s dying.

I’ve found a new reason.

Headaches.

Headaches.

Headaches.

Left side, sorta dull, but have had them every day for several weeks. The problem with being a hypochondriac with a long history is you know you’re a hypochondriac with a long history. So you become mental, either ignoring the pain because, hey, you’re a hypo or paying excessive attention to the pain because, hey, you’re a hypo. I go through the following thought process:

“It’s a tumor.”

“It’s not a tumor, you’re a hypo.”

“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you. It’s a tumor.”

“Uhg, remember the time you swore you had a tumor?”

“Yes.”

“Well, what ever happened?”

“That was different.”

“How?”

“Well, this time it’s real.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“It’s not a tumor. It’s headaches. Lots of people have them. You’re stressed. You don’t sleep enough. You …”

“But my head hurts.”

“Well, then go see a doctor.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hypochondriac.”