If Rick Santorum wins Iowa …

So today is the Republican Iowa Caucus which, generally speaking, means nothing.

Four years ago, the GOP winner was Mike Huckabee, whose success propelled him to a marvelous career … as a Grade-C Fox News host. The runner-up was Mitt Romney and his lovely hair. Then came Fred Thompson. Uh, yeah. Finally, John McCain placed fourth, with a paltry 13 percent of the vote.

The thing is, we all know this is garbage. The media covers it because, well, it’s what the media does come election season (follow around a pre-scripted story, acting as if the outcome is truly in doubt). The Iowans jump in because, well, it’s Iowa in January. What the hell else is there to do? And the candidates go all out because, well, they believe Iowa’s momentum can carry forward into other states.

This, of course, is nonsense. Right now, as we speak, Rick Santorum is one of the Iowa frontrunners. This, in and of itself, speaks volumes, because Rick Santorum is nuts. Not a bad guy, not a bad husband, not poorly intentioned—just friggin’ bonkers. He also happens to have zero—ZERO—shot of winning the GOP nomination, and everyone (outside of Rick Santorum and his 27 children) knows it. He’s waaaaay too far right—like, makes Michele Bachmann seem downright liberal. Yet in Iowa, ol’ Rick is perfect, because he’s Christian and white and, uh, a white Christian. So he may well win.

And, if he does, he’ll talk about momentum and oomph and onward and Obama this and Obama that.

Then he’ll get 9 percent of the vote in New Hampshire.

And it’ll all be a dream.

1 thought on “If Rick Santorum wins Iowa …”

  1. “Yet in Iowa, ol’ Rick is perfect, because he’s Christian and white and, uh, a white Christian. So he may well win.” — Jeff Pearlman

    Thanks for your political generalization even though Iowa voted for Obama in 2008 and legalized same sex marriage in 2009.

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