Marcus Bachmann can finally live in the open

Now that Michele Bachmann has officially (praise Jesus!) dropped out of the 2012 presidential race, it is only a matter of time before her husband, the positively fabulous Marcus Bachmann, leaves her for his hair dresser, Len.

I give the couple four months.

This sounds silly and funny and goofy, but I’m being serious. Though the world often works in mysterious ways, there is no mystery when it comes to Marcus Bachmann, a man who once dedicated his life to “converting” gays to straight: He’s a homosexual. And not just merely a homosexual. Mr. Bachmann is a well-dressed, ballroom-dancing, gayer-than-gay-can-possibly-be future cast member of Dancing with the Stars. Oh, and if you’re offended by these words, don’t be. I don’t think anything—absolutely anything—is wrong or sinful about being gay. Hell, were my kids gay I wouldn’t fret one iota. People are who they are, and—as long as they’re not Nazis—that should be celebrated.

But Marcus Bachman is—without any remote question—gay.

Which is why this is such an easy call. We’ve been here before, we’ll be here again. While Michele was in the spotlight, the couple was all happy happy, joy joy. I’m sure, for Marcus, the idea of living in the White House was fantastic and swell. Now, however, that dream is dead. Once again, he’ll be the never-ever-ever seen spouse to a batshit crazy representative from a relatively insiginifcant neck of the woods. The spark will vanish; the glow will depart. Michele will come home on weekends, blathering on about the fags and the abortions and the lack of morality, blah, blah, blah.

Then, one day, when he’s finally had it, Marcus Bachmann will follow his passion, buy some new shirts, marry Len and move to Boca.