Fifi Knott

June 27, 2012
2:25 am

There is a woman in this world named Fifi Knott.

I know … I know—not possible. Not even remotely possible.

Well, yes. Possible. Fifi Knott exists.

As you can see on the above invitation, Fifi Knott is the woman to contact if you’d like to attend dinner with Mitt Romney at the home of Julia and David Koch in Southampton, N.Y. I, of course, would love to attend dinner with Mitt Romney at the home of Julia and David Koch, because:

A. Mitt Romney may well be our next president.

B. It’s be interesting to see where the Koch Family lives, in the same way it’d be interesting to visit Lex Luthor’s evil lair.

C. I’m dying to meet Fifi.

Alas, I digress. The above invitation was posted on Facebook by the excellent Charles Pierce. I copied it, pasted it on my Facebook page, then decided, hey, why not RSVP myself. Granted, the suggested contribution is $50,000 per person or $75,000 per couple. But the important word here is “suggested.” If I “suggest” you brush your teeth, I’m certainly not ordering you to do so. If I “suggest” Halle Berry kiss me, well, she’s under no official order to do so. In other words, $50,000 is merely a fictional total. I could donate $50. Or $5. Or, hell, $0. It’s suggested, not commanded.

Anyhow, I RSVPed. Literally sent Fifi this e-mail to FKnott@MittRomney.com:

Ms Knott:

I am definitely interested in attending the July 8 dinner with Governor Romney. Can you please add me to the RSVP list?

Thanks,

Jeff Pearlman

•••

Fifi immediately responded with this:

Mr. Pearlman,

May I ask who sent you the invitation (so I can credit the support correctly)?

Thanks!
Fifi
—
Fifi Knott
Romney For President, Inc.
P: (212) 801-1064

•••

This was terrific, because my initial concerns were erased with one simple thing—the exclamation point! Clearly, Fifi is excited that I, Jeff Pearlman, am planning on attending. So, of course, I responded again …

Fifi:

Of course. I was sent the invitation from our mutual friend Charles.

Catherine and I are very excited to attend. It should be a wonderful night.

Best,

Jeff

•••

I am often an angry man. However, right now I am happy. Fifi has, once again, responded. Her words are simple—six in all—but clearly impactful. Some might suggest she is simply trying to ex-communicate Charles, but I’m not that cynical. She surely wants to congratulate him.

Jeff:

What is Charles’ last name?

Thanks!

•••

I wrote one last e-mail to Fifi—namely, this one:

Uh, Fifi, I’m sort of taken aback by this. How many Charles do we both know? I assume you’re kidding …

Best,

Jeff

•

PS: Catherine says she’s excited to see you.

•••

Sadly, this won’t end well. I have no shot of gaining entrance into the Koch shindig. But I do believe, with great sadness, that it’s yet another glaring example of what politics have become, and how neither party truly represents us.

•

If people are paying $50,000 a head to be in a room with Mitt Romney, they’re expecting more than shrimp and potatoes. They want to express their concerns, one on one, with the man who (crap) may damn well be our next president. And, eventually, they want those concerns to be addressed. As much as I wish it were true, this isn’t merely a Republican thing, either. Barack Obama is flying across the nation, back and forth and up and down, raising big boats of dough by hobnobbing with the rich and (aspiring) powerful. Meanwhile, we little people—owners of one vote, a mortgage and car payments—are spoon-fed the insulting bullshit line, “Every vote counts.” When, truth be told, they really don’t. Not in presidential elections.

•

Truth be told, there’s never been a presidential race where my vote made the slightest of difference. I know … I know—Florida in 2000 proves me wrong. Not really, however. Even then, the Supreme Court—leaning far right—decided that Bush was the winner. Had the court leaned left, I have no doubt Gore would have won. And the reason the court is the way it is is because the judges were appointed by politicians, who were boosted up by wealthy donors with stuffed pockets.

•

It’s all a game. A stupid, frustrating, insane game, where the line between good (in my world, Democrat) and bad (Republican) is nearly invisible; where the true divide is between the wealthy and the rest of us.

•

Hell, just call Fifi. She’ll explain the whole fucking thing …

Fifi Knott

Jeff Pearlman

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