JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Dear Mark Potts, Marketing Executive …

Dear Mark Potts, Marketing Executive …

I received your e-mail today; the one where you offered me (and other bloggers and journalists, I’m assuming) $10 of PayPal dough to write a review of 2BET2, an “innovative new sports betting game on Facebook.”

Here’s my review:

Although I have never tried 2BET2, and never will try 2BET2, I am assuming 2BET2 absolutely sucks. I mean, what more can one assume from a company that feels the need to bribe reviewers into offering positive takes?

In fact, not only does 2BET2 suck—it sucks really, really, really badly. To engage in 2BET2 is to crawl blindly through the bowels of hell, accompanied only by the music of Men Without Hats and a 70-foot python (one that smells of rotting human flesh) attached to your testicles. I would rather vomit, then eat my vomit, spit it out and eat it again, than ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever engage in 2BET2. I would rather dip my nipples in acid; would rather coat my body in cheese and unleash 600,000 starved rats; would rather spend 800-straight days in John Rocker’s mud wrestling pit; would rather bathe in my dog’s post-shrimp excrement—than spend one waking moment in front of 2BET2.

That’ll be $10 …