As many followers of this blog know, we at jeffpearlman.com take our civic commitments very seriously. That’s why, as the nation faces a 7.8 unemployment rate, surging Middle East unrest and a presidential election of great importance, we decided to launch a full-scale investigation into the life of Donald Trump.
We know … we know—Donald Trump isn’t important, or especially significant. He is, at best, a wealthy troll, scanning the bottom of the Bear Mountain public swimming pool in search of used Band-Aids and discarded nose plugs. He is an elf. A sub-elf. A man obsessed with his own fame, for the sake of being obsessed with his own fame.
However, today Donald Trump plans on releasing his “findings” of an investigation of President Barack Obama. Consequently, we are releasing our findings after an investigation of Donald Trump. Jeffpearlman.com spared no expense, no energy, no resource in, at long last, learning the truth behind Donald Trump. It was expensive and exhausting, but the world needs to know.
Hence, with no further delay, the 10 most shocking things we uncovered …
1. Donald Trump’s real name is not Donald John Trump, Sr. It is, in fact, Murray Martin Schwartz. Mr. Schwartz changed his name to Donald John Trump, Sr. in 1982, after losing a bet at the Flanigan’s Tavern and Ale House in Bethesda, Maryland. He is not wealthy, or even close to wealthy. Mr. Schwartz owns a beef stick-and-soda pop cart outside the Bethesda City Hall.
2. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) spent 17 years working as a transvestite male hooker in Gary, Indiana. His street name was Mary Fattie Hole. He was addicted to crack cocaine, and often offered two hand jobs for the price of one in exchange for a couple of rocks.
3. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) dressed up like this guy (below). Only he wasn’t a cast member of the Gary, Indiana Theatre Company. He used to disguise himself as the beast and walk the streets at night, screaming, “Donuts! Donuts! Donuts!” in an effort to meet female members of the local high school marching band. Ultimately, a local gang used a pipe to break open his skull, steal his crack cocaine and fracture both of his knees. Hence, the limp.
4. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) is actually a loyal Democrat. He donated $3.50 to the 2008 Obama campaign, and had a JIMMY CARTER FOREVER bumper sticker affixed to his 1978 Dodge Dart (the vehicle he still owns).
5. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) attended Miami Dade Community College. As a sophomore Undecided major, he was arrested by campus police for masturbating in a public fountain while whistling Frankie Avalon songs. He was suspended, then dropped out to take a sales associate position at the nearby Caldor’s. He worked there for 2 1/2 years.
6. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) does not know how to tie a tie.
7. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) once owned the New Jersey Generals of the United States Football League. Thanks to his determination to move the USFL from spring to fall, the league ultimately folded.*
8. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) smells like a blend of olive oil, potato skins and fermented diaper fluid. He has tried repeatedly to replace the scent with one of vanilla bean, but always falls short.
9. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) was college roommates with former Minnesota Twins outfielder Hosken Powell. Powell nicknamed him, “Blender Boy No. 7.”
10. Mr. Schwartz (ne Trump) attended a meeting of the Black Panthers in the early 1970s. He is heard, clearly, on tape saying: “I’m not saying I love whitey, I’m not saying I hate whitey, I’m not saying I am whitey. All I know is I ain’t afraid to kill a snitch. I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t.”
* This has been well-documented.