JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

The Porno Under the bed (A Cautionary Tale)

So yesterday evening, while cleaning under the bed, the wife pulled out the above video, “Poniendote Agatas,” and said, “Here’s the porno!”

We both laughed.

Three summers ago, we did a house swap with a family from Arbucies, Spain. They lived in our home for three weeks, we lived in theirs. It was a wonderful experience. Their pad was awesome, only an hour outside of Barcelona, blah … blah. We arrived in Arbucies the evening before they were scheduled to leave for America. So they kindly picked us up from the airport, and we stayed with them that night.

Ba-dump!

Ba-dump!

Ba-dump!

“What is that?” the wife said

“What?” I replied, sleepily.

“That!”

Ba-dump!

They were having sex.

Loud, bed-banging sex.

“I don’t want to hear this,” the wife said. “They’re gonna be in our bed tomorrow night.”

“Eh, big deal,” I said.

•••

Fast forward—eight months later. I’m sitting in a Panera, writing. The wife calls.

“I have a weird question for you,” she said. “Not a big deal, but are you into Spanish porno, because I found one under the bed …”

“No,” I said. “Seriously, I have no idea how that …”

The lightbulb hit both of us at the same time.

Ew.