Moles, Tattoos, Hair, Used Band-Aids …

ewThe son and I hit up Lake Compounce Amusement Park today. Great, great, great place for the family to spend a summer afternoon—fantastic rides, fair prices, cool mixture of theme park and water park. Loved every minute, as did he.

That being said, I struggle with water-dominant amusement parks, in that, well, they sorta gross me out. Specifically, I struggle with bodies. More specifically, I struggle with moles. Hairy moles. Hairy moles surrounded by awful tattoos that make no sense whatsoever.

Admittedly, this is my cross to bear. Were I a clergy, I’d try and love everyone; I’d even say I do love everyone. And, really, this has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with those things that turn my stomach—and how eight of 10 leaders of the list involve water parks.

Hell, here’s my top-of-the-head list (Things in This World That REALLY Gross Me Out):

1. Band-Aids floating in a pool, or sitting beside a pool (add huge points if there’s a tiny splotch of blood on the Band-Aid, and huge huge points if the blood is accompanied by a few strands of hair).

2. Pieces of skin that shouldn’t exist. I don’t mean beauty marks. I mean little beige (or black, if the person is African-American) balls or nuggets that somehow remain attached to the skin. You know what I’m talking about—you sorta wanna walk up to the dude and yank them off. But you can’t. Because it wouldn’t come off. And it’d hurt like hell. And he’d turn around and strangle you. Or something.

3. Boogers affixed to the wall just above the urinal. Dear God, I have no idea why some guys do this. But they do. I’d say, oh, 12 times in my life I’ve been peeing as I’ve looked up and spotted a booger on the wall. Grosser than gross.

4. Really awful tattoos. Technically, this isn’t gross. But I struggle with it. Asian symbols that don’t make sense. Images of the Coors Light Beer Wolf. Nike swooshes. Shit just drives me crazy.

5. Ass crack peeking out from a pair of shorts or a bathing suit. Certainly, I’ve had my days. But this always trips me up. Especially if the crackus is surrounded by hair.

6. Nipple rings. Just makes no fucking sense. And I can’t look at one without thinking about the nipple being pierced.

7. Warts. I actually have a wart as we speak, on my wrist. I’m trying to burn the thing away, but with little luck. Recently the wife caught me going at it with a nail file. It turned her stomach. Fortunately, she didn’t realize it was her nail file. (I love you, honey).

8. Hair Clogging the Drain in a Hotel Bathroom. This could probably be No. 1. It’s something I’ve experienced, at most, three times. You’re in a hotel, taking a shower. The water isn’t draining properly. You mess with the tub, pull out the drain cover and 456 pieces of hair rise from the depths.

9. Bacon. Can’t fully explain this one. Just makes me want to vomit.

10. Smelling Farts on an Airplane. Recently, on a six-hour flight from Los Angeles, I was sitting next to a pretty young woman who farted the entire trip. There’s no place to run, no place to hide. You’re stuck, inhaling the fermented anal gas of a stranger through your nostrils.

3 thoughts on “Moles, Tattoos, Hair, Used Band-Aids …”

  1. re #10 – David Sedaris recently reported that someone he knows, a retired flight attendant, admitted that spending time in pressurized cabins creates flatulence among crew members, and that if there was a particularly unruly passenger they’d “crop dust” said occupant as they passed by. (Not saying this happened to you, btw – just reporting the facts however disturbing they may be.)

  2. #2- Skintags are hereditary, unfortunately. I have them, they hurt like a mofo if you try cutting them off, and bleed like heck also. Thanks Grandma!

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