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The F*ck Me Look

The toilet is to the left.
The toilet is to the left.

Many years ago, while writing for The Tennessean, I pitched a story to my editor on the “F*ck me!” look.

“Uh …” said my editor, a conservative Christian man.

Screen shot 2013-07-11 at 10.36.54 AM“There’s this look,” I said. “Women seem to give it to men when they want to have lots of sex. I’ve seen it all the time in videos, magazines. I wanna do a story about it!”

“Well,” he said. “Did you hear Garth Brooks is working on a new album?”

And that was that.

Screen shot 2013-07-11 at 10.35.26 AMAt the time, I was 22. I’d only had sex with one woman, and only a handful of times. I longed for the f*ck me look; dreamed of the f*ck me look; just once—dammit, one time!—wanted a woman to glance my way with that lustful glare that screamed, ‘Take me! Throw me on the floor! F*ck me! F*ck me! F*ck me’

I’m now 41. I’ve never seen that look. Wait, scratch that. I have seen that look. In the mirror—while pooping. Or, on occasion, on the face of my dog when she’s scratching out a tick. I realize the look doesn’t actually exist in real life. Only in videos. In movies. Bummer.

Screen shot 2013-07-11 at 10.34.46 AMWhich brings me, once again, to the “Cruise” video starring Florida Georgia Line and Nelly. I really love the song, and watched the video again this morning. I started keeping tabs of “F*ck me!” looks—but ultimately lost count. It’s funny, when you think of it. The Florida Georgia guys seem pretty dorky, and Nelly is a 38-year-old on-the-verge-of-being-a-has-been rapper. If they do receive the “F*ck me!” look in real life, it’s surely only based upon money and/or fame.

But, truthfully, the women are probably just farting.