The Hummer

Screen Shot 2013-12-29 at 5.46.56 PMSaw two Hummers today. One on the road. One in a parking lot. When I was younger, I’d see Hummers and think, “Wow—that’s a cool vehicle.” Now, however, I have my head. All I think is, “God, what loser drives that vehicle?”

Hummers drive me crazy. First, they get the worst gas mileage imaginable. Second, they scream out, “I drive this car because I want you to notice me!” Really, that’s the message I receive—because what else could a Hummer driver be saying? Hell, the car isn’t beautiful, it isn’t practical, it isn’t efficient. It doesn’t fit on driveways or inside garages. It has a poor service record, and it’s crazy expensive (both in price and upkeep).

Someone I know has long suggested that Hummers are the cars of men with small penises. Which is an interesting theory, because I don’t drive a Hummer. Which means either I have a large penis, or I simply didn’t get the memo (I’ll leave you hanging on the truth).

In conclusion, Hummers are awful.