Ray Allen joins the Cavs

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DAN GILBERT: “Ray, it’s Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. We’d love to sign you to play this season …”

RAY ALLEN: “Sorry, Dan, I can’t.”

D.G.: “Why?”

R.A.: “Well, on Twitter they’re all calling me a sellout and a fool for following LeBron.”

D.G.: “We’re willing to pay you several million dollars.”

R.A.: “But @Deg4 says I’m the biggest ring chaser of all time …”

D.G.: “It’s another year of doing what you love—basketball.”

R.A.: “But @YooJass says I like riding dick …”

D.G.: “You’ll get to fly charter and stay in luxury hotels.”

R.A.: “But @MsLoveJoy is asking whether I spit or swallow …”

D.G.: “We have an awesome arena and an excited fan base. And we need a three-point shooter.”

R.A.: “But @Saunders3 says I’m a professional wood rider …”

D.G.: “Is he referring to the bench, or a man’s erect penis?”

R.A.: “I’m not even sure. But clearly, all these people would turn down millions to play in the NBA, live luxuriously and chase another title. So, really, I’m gonna begin my retirement, play some golf and be really, really bored. Because Twitter says so.”

D.G.: “That sounds lovely.”