Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Dear Duggars. Stop Having Unprotected Sex. Love Jeff.

Jim Bob, Michelle, meet condoms. Condoms, meet Jim Bob and Michelle.
Jim Bob, Michelle, meet condoms. Condoms, meet Jim Bob and Michelle.

Dear Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar:

It’s Jeff here. I’m a Jew with brown hair, a goatee and sandals. I once made a box in wood shop. So you should probably listen.

There is this place. It’s called Harps Food. It’s a supermarket not far from your home in Tontitown, Arkansas. In the back, there’s a pharmacy. In the pharmacy, there’s a rear shelf with little boxes hanging off of hooks. Inside those boxes are these latex things called condoms. Please buy several. Then use them.

My wife and kids watch your show, 19 Kids & Counting. I rarely do. Mainly because of time limitations, but also because, well, you make me squirm. On your website there’s a quote from Psalms 127—”Children are a blessing from the lord.” And, indeed, they are blessings. I have two, and I love them. Three—also great. Four—fine. Five—reasonable. Six—now you’re starting to cross a line. Seven—eh. Eight and more—I’m calling bullshit.

Yes, I’m calling bullshit. You say you have 19 kids because God wants you to. I say you have 19 kids because you refuse to use birth control, and you’re just dumb enough to think it’s God’s little way of spreading a miracle. But here’s what’s also sorta miraculous. Or, actually, anti-miraculous: The world is painfully overcrowded. Resources are severely diminished. Everything good and bountiful that you believe God has gifted man is now being wasted away. Seriously, you name it—water, trees, grain, crops, land. All going … going … going … going …

Why? Because we’re greedy parasites who have overtaken this planet in unsustainable numbers. I don’t know God but—again—I’m a woodworking Jew with brown hair, a goatee and sandals. And I can tell you the big guy most certainly does not want you having a 20th child (that said, if you do, please name him Tupac. Just for entertainment’s sake).

Oh, one more thing. You guys talk about humility before the lord, and I believe the sentiment to be sincere. But humility before the lord and God wants us to have 19 kids … well, those two sentiments don’t go hand in hand. I mean, do you really think God specifically wants you, the friggin’ Duggars, to have 19 kids? But he also wanted 10 million people to die in the Holocaust? And 150,000 dead in the 2004 tsunami? Really?

That’s humility?

So, once again, there’s this place called Harps.

The first box is on me.