JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Ted Cruz and No Doubt

So a few minutes ago Ted Cruz, Texas Senator and man of wonderful hair, announced that he’s running for president.

During the speech, he uttered 1,001 things I disagree with. His stances, simply, are not my stances. But of all the utterances, one thought bothered and concerned me the most. ”There are people who wonder if faith is real,” Cruz said. “I can tell you, in my family there is not a second of doubt.”

This is crazy.

You have no doubt? None? Ever? Literally, doubt fails to enter your mind? It’s not even remotely possible that God doesn’t exist? Or that Christianity isn’t the correct answer? Or that Jesus wasn’t God’s son? Or that the virgin Mary wasn’t a virgin? You have absolutely, positively zero concerns that these things just might be untrue? That perhaps the stories are just stories? That the bush didn’t burn and Moses didn’t literally received tablets from God?

See, I understand religion, and I understand a lack of religion. I’m fairly convinced that there’s no God. But am I certain? Like, 100-percent certain? No. How can I be? I don’t have proof, just as you don’t have proof. So to refuse to even question your own beliefs is just … just … damning.

You know what I want in a president? Someone who isn’t certain. I want a person who thinks there’s a God, or doesn’t think there’s a God—but allows for the intellectual possibilities that he/she doesn’t know for sure. Because, factually, we don’t know. We just don’t. Until Jesus floats down from heaven and says, “I am the way” atop a mountain, and everyone Tweets about it (#JesusChrist!), well, how can anyone utter with complete certainty that his religion is real?

Ted Cruz is a scary motherfucker because he rejects science and thinks climate change is a complete hoax. But he’s really a scary motherfucker because he is 100-percent convinced that his faith is the faith, and the faith should be your faith.

Which makes him less like me.

And more like ISIS.*

* Oh, Jeff. How can you compare a U.S. Senator to a terrorist organization that slices heads? I’m obviously not saying Cruz kills people. I’m saying he’s a zealot thug.

PS: Memo to Cruz: Economy is actually strongest it’s been in years.