I am ugly

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It’s 12:17 in the morning, and I’m having a miniature meltdown. I’m quite certain it’s necessary.

To be blunt, I don’t like what I’m becoming. Nah, what I’ve become.

I’m negative. Always friggin’ negative. And I know some/many people are nodding, and you’re right. It’s nonstop complaining here. About rude people. About the drought. About racism. About conservatives. About food. About … everything. A solid 80 percent of my posts involve some sort of complaint. And, truly, it’s finally worn be down.

I don’t want to be this guy. In the past, I’ve justified it by the idea that the keyboard is my vent, and it’s sort of a character that comes out and is solely two dimensional. But that’s just not entirely true. Over the past, oh, five or six weeks, I’ve been miserable. I’m not sure what fired the emotion up, but it’s there. Maybe receiving a suicide note from an old friend. Possibly the ongoing drought. Whatever the case, I’m down and dark and in a prolonged funk. I see very little good and all bad. I want to shake people to awareness, but awareness to what? Is it a cause, or just my misery? Not sure.

I used to think of my writing and my life as separate entities. But that’s stupid. If you’re always complaining on the laptop, and you’re always on your laptop, well, you’re always complaining. There’s no life divide; no real v. Memorex. The guy writing angrily is the guy living angrily.

And here’s the truth: I’m sort of an anger fraud. If you’re a Christian living in Kenya right now, you have good reason to be upset. If you’re being held captive by ISIS or fighting cancer and watching a parent die, good reason. But me? I’m upset because I live in a place with a horrific drought. That’s the cause of my anger. I have a loving wife, two living kids. My parents are alive and well. I live comfortably, get to write books for a living, have all my fingers and toes, can buy a cup of coffee whenever I want. My back is a bit achy and I’m allergic to beer, but … that’s about it.

Again, what do I have to be so angry about? Really?

So, beginning now, I’m going to try and change things up. Some new rules:

1. No more cursing on this blog. Not because I’m against cursing. But the words always accompany anger.

2. No more stupid ripping for loud talkers, traffic blockers. Little stuff.

3. I’m limiting myself to one drought-related post per week.

4. I’m gonna blog more about sports than I have. Not a ton, but more.

5. Find the fun.

Really, what I need to do is seek out the positive. It’s almost like I have a disease, where the things that bring me down become the things I write about—thereby bringing me down even more.

Time to change.

10 thoughts on “I am ugly”

  1. self awareness is good. Even when you post about the things that give you great pleasure (coaching your son’s baseball team) it becomes a rant on someone or something. Breathe and enjoy things. You can still be upset about things, just always have perspective and enjoy your family and life.

  2. Antonio D'Arcangelis

    I’m all for reducing negativity and needless complaining, but PLEASE don’t stop using your authentic voice when tackling controversial issues, Jeff. You have a great platform for bringing awareness on a lot of things, and you’re a special writer with a particular set of skills that suits social media. You’re a good guy, and you have my full support in all your endeavors.

  3. Scientology, Jeff. You live in LA. You’re a successful author. It’s time to be friends with Tom Cruise.

    I enjoy your perspective and your honest, emotional posts, whether topic is as important as global warming or as silly as embarrassing things that happened to you in HS. But it’d probably be more healthy if you could let go of some of that negativity, even though if it’s justified.

  4. Never thought it was too negative, but if it’s bringing you down change it up a little. And if you need some ideas, just ask your readers. I’ll get you started with a sample tweet:

    Calling all PearlmanBlog fans: what’s the one story on #America that you want me to write? Be nice. suggestions welcome. (Positive only.)

  5. Please dont stop complaining about important issues that need to be kept in the public eye. Perhaps all you should do is fine tune. Dont worry too much about the annoying people at the gym but keep being vigilant about issues that affect the greater good, such as the drought and the heartlessness of conservative politicians.

  6. Rather than end the “negative” posts (which more often than not are right on) perhaps make an effort to balance them out with some “positive” ones. There are a lot of positives in SoCal and in your life. Let’s hear about more of them.

  7. I appreciate your voice Jeff…even the mundane negative stuff that we can all relate to. But yeah, being negative much of the time can be a real drag. Save it for stuff that really matters. The rest is just…life.

    By they way, have you been tested for celiac? If you’re allergic to beer, could be the barley, which is gluten. Something to think about.

  8. “I’m allergic to beer”

    I don’t know if that would make me angry but it sure would bum me out.
    I’m angry about the drought too.
    I just don’t live in anger.
    Life is too darn short to spend it angry, sad, unhappy, whatever. I know it is easier said than done. Not sure why but I have always had a happy disposition, I’ll thank my parents.
    From what I have read I think you are a good parent. I think your children will be happy in life and that should bring you joy, the best weapon against anger.

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