Dear Lance Berkman …

Dear Lance Berkman:

Not sure if you’d remember me, but back in 2001 I wrote this profile of you for Sports Illustrated. We hung out, had a good time. I thought you were a genuinely cool, intelligent guy.

Now, however, I’d like you to go fuck yourself.

I mean no offense, just as you mean no offense in your bigoted, ignorant appearance in the above advertisement. But—sorta curious—do you know anything about transgender folks? I mean, have you read a book? A pamphlet? Watched a news segment? Anything? Because despite the fear mongering of you and your narrow-minded ilk, these are not people sneaking into bathrooms to watch little boys and girls take shits. Hell, Lance, you’ve been to public bathrooms. Do you find the act of taking a shit to be sexy and alluring? I mean, seriously.

By the way, have you actually read Houston’s Prop 1 (aka: Equal Rights Ordinance)? It’s a civil rights measure that prevents discrimination on the basis of race, age, military status, disability and 11 other categories. In other words, it’s the sort of document I’m quite certain Jesus would dig. Oh, it also remains illegal to enter a bathroom and harass people.

Seriously, Lance, I’m tired of people like you. Self-righteous, self-appointed guardians of the planet who damn folks like gays and transgenders while simultaneously protecting the NRA and driving tank-sized fossil fuel-burning vehicles. You pick your battles, and they’re the battles of the moronic and mentally small; of the ignorant sheep-costumed wolves.

One day, years from now, your daughter will watch this ad and be ashamed.

Especially if she’s transgender.

— Jeff

PS: Just so you know, women’s bathrooms have stalls.

10 thoughts on “Dear Lance Berkman …”

  1. “driving tank-sized fossil fuel-burning vehicles”

    I’m sure you never drive or fly, and therefore don’t use any vehicles that burn fossil fuels. Spare me this part.

      1. Everybody already has equal rights under the Constitution. Being a bigot is supporting a law that punishes someone based their religious beliefs, and that is what the Hero act would do.

  2. Remember kids, anyone who evolves a step slower than you on the social issue of the moment deserves your pious scorn for failing to have your exceptional sensibilities. Publicly insulting them in a profane manner will certainly win over everyone on the fence.

  3. This is how it works with “progressives”. Democracy is great. Unless we disagree with you. Then you are evil and bigoted. And we will protest you, and detest you if we disagree with you. And if we lose democratically, we will not honor it. We will call for your boycott and not obey it. Screw rule of law. And then we will have a judge overturn it and invent a constitutional right. And then if you disagree with us, we will scream “rule of law”.

Leave a Reply