Every few weeks I like to post the latest most-likely-to-be-president rankings. We here at jeffpearlman.com, after all, study myriad polls, then feed them to a donkey, who excretes the answers. In other words, we’re as reliable as anyone out there.
Here you go …
• 1. Donald Trump: I can’t believe I’m saying this, because he’s an awful conman who John Oliver beautifully butchered earlier this week. But he’s an awful conman who has somehow generated shitloads of momentum. He’s got the GOP thing locked, and I’m starting to wonder how Hillary (robotic, safe, political to the gills) deals with him and the groundswell. Truthfully, I’m not sure she can. Or will.
• 2. Hillary Clinton: She’s pretty much secured the Democratic nomination, but I know very few people excited about it. Trump’s rise might be good for her, because it’ll force her out of a very bland and uninspiring comfort zone. I’d say, if it’s Hillary v. Trump, her odds of winning are about 45 percent.
• 3. Bernie Sanders: He’s sorta lingering, hanging, chilling, waiting. Super longshot at this point, but not impossible.
• 4. Marco Rubio: I’m routinely dazzled by the awfulness of his political instincts. Rubio’s shot comes at the convention, if GOP big guns somehow fuck Trump over and give his delegates to Rubio. Not likely … but possible.
• 5. Michael Bloomberg: With Hillary’s rise, don’t think he’ll run. But, if he does, Trump wins this thing.
• 6. John Kasich: Feels like the most honest and sincere dude in the GOP field. But honest and sincere get you nowhere in Loonytown: 2016.
• 7. Wesley Walker: Former Jets wide receiver was blind in one eye.
• 8. Ted Cruz: He’ll be the last person to realize he’s dead and done. Just an irritating, uninspiring rat man.
• 9. Joe Biden: Please, Joe …
• 10. Bob Hope: I recently read a biography of Hope, whose corny jokes made millions of people laugh. Granted, he’s dead. So there’s that.
• 11. Ben Carson: Will forever be known as “remember that other guy who ran. He was black, and stood at the end of the stage and said something about fruit salad.”
• 12. Martin O’Malley: Not in, but the website’s strong.
• 13. Scott Wolf: I interviewed the former Party of Five star today, and he was lovely. Plus, he’s 48 but looks 28. Voters love that shit.
• 14. Barack Obama: Would gladly take him for a third term.
• 15. Jeff Perlman: Not me, but the former Delray Beach mayor. Just because he’s awesome.