Place: Washington Redskins team headquarters.
Time: Sunday evening.
Setting: Bruce Allen, team president, sits behind a desk. Eric Schaffer, senior VP of football operations, stands to the side. As does Doug Williams, the acting senior VP of player personnel. Jay Gruden, the head coach, enters with a distressed look on his face. They have just learned that Alex Smith, starting quarterback, has broken his leg and is gone for the year. They need a replacement. Quickly.
Allen: “Well, we’ve gotta get a quarterback in here ASAP.”
Gruden: “Colt can start next week. He’s fine. But we’re thin behind him. Who’s available?”
Schaffer pulls out a list and begins to read off names. “Well … Nathan Peterman is a free agent.”
The room erupts in laughter.
Williams: “How about Kaepernick?”
Schaffer: “E.J. Manuel is home doing nothing. T.J. Yates—also out there.”
Williams: “How about Kaepernick?”
Allen: “I think we should sign Brandon Weeden.”
Schaffer: “He’s with the Texans.”
Allen: “What?”
Schaffer: “Yeah—he’s their backup.”
The room erupts in laughter.
Williams: “How about Kaepernick?”
Daniel Snyder, the team owner, walks in.
Snyder: “What’s Testaverde up to?”
Allen: “He’s 55 years old, Dan.”
Snyder: “But that arm!”
Williams: “How about Kaepernick?”
Schaffer: “I know Sam Bradford is waiting by the phone.”
Allen: “That’s not a terrible idea.”
Snyder: “Paxton Lynch?” Matt Moore? Josh Johnson”
Williams: “How about Kaepernick?”
Williams: “Seriously, how about Kaepernick?”
Williams: “Seriously, how about Kaepernick?”
Awkward silence.
Snyder: “Doug, can you do me a favor? I think I left that thing on your desk. Can you grab it for me real quick?”
Williams: “What thing?”
Snyder: “You know … the bur,dhsjalslsls … thing.”
Williams: Um … sure.”
Williams leaves the room.
Snyder: “There’s no fucking way we’re signing Colin Kaepernick.”
Allen: “Of course not.”
Schaffer: “Of course not.”
Snyder: “Silly negro.”
Williams returns, holding a pencil.
Williams: “Is this what you wanted?”
Snyder: “Oh, um, eh, yeah. Thanks Doug.”
Snyder stares at a list of names.
Snyder: “Soooo … Mark Sanchez it is!”
