I have seen the future for the New York Jets, and it is this …
Part 1: The team decides Sam Darnold is no longer its quarterback of the future. He is traded to Washington for a third-round pick and a wide receiver with one hand.
Part 2: The team hires its new head coach, Josh McDaniel.
Part 3: With the No. 2 overall pick in the NFL Draft, the New York Jets select … Cameron Hearn, punter, Sam Houston State. In the second round, they honor the memory of Alex Van Dyke by selecting Alex Van Dyke again. They are later informed Alex Van Dyke is still very much alive.
Part 4: The team signs free-agent quarterback Taylor Heinicke to a guaranteed five-year, $100 million deal with a $30 million signing bonus. Heinicke is given uniform No. 14, “to honor my hero, Neil O’Donnell.”
Part 5: Heinicke reports to training camp, and on the first day breaks his leg trying to dislodge a soda from the official Jets vending machine with his left foot.
Part 6: With Heinicke out, the Jets sign free agent quarterback Geno Smith, who is immediately installed as the team’s starter.
Part 7: The Jets start the season 0-14, and the No. 1 pick in the 2022 draft is a generational quarterback who can throw the ball 200 yards on a dime and has legs made of titanium. “He is the best prospect who has ever lived!” raves O.J. Simpson on Twitter. “Even the Jets can’t screw this up!”
Part 8: The Jets win their final two games, thereby surrendering the No. 1 overall pick to the Giants.
Part 9: Sam Darnold leads the NFL in passing yards and touchdowns, and the Washington Artmonks win the Super Bowl by overcoming Chiefs halfback Le’Veon Bell’s 435 rushing yards.
Part 10: With the No. 2 overall pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select … Jose Romo-Martinez, punter, Delaware State. In the second round, they draft a llama. Just for fun.
Part 11: I jump off a bridge.