I don’t live in Arizona.
But were I living in Arizona, and someone entered my home and held a semi-automatic gun to my head (a likely happenstance in a state that considers firearms less dangerous than apples) and said, “Pick the biggest douchebag in our state and vote for him …”
I’d proudly vote Josh Barnett for congress in 2022.
Because while the world is overflowing with electric douches, there is only one Josh Barnett.
And if you need a douche, he’s your guy.
I only learned of Josh Barnett somewhat recently, when it was brought to my attention that he made history as the first major party political candidate to misplace a comma this badly on his own website …
That’s pretty special. But, it, doesn’t, tell the complete story of Josh, whose website EVENTS section is the best website EVENTS section in the long and storied history of website EVENTS sections. See, Josh isn’t holding a discussion on immigration on Tuesday, a breakdown of climate initiatives Thursday, a compelling lecture on military spending Sunday. Nope, his lone event on the best website EVENTS section ever is a jamboree of the crazy, the dishonored and the obscure. Or, put differently, were you around April 10, and if you felt compelled to drop some bucks, you could have listened to such luminaries as Mike Lindell (CEO of My Pillow and its sister company, Me Batshit), George Papadopoulos (Donald Trump’s shamed foreign policy advsior), Jovan Pulitzer (of all the election fraud conspiracy nuts—the nuttiest) and—best of all—Ann Vandersteel.
The reason I say Ann Vandersteel is best of all is because:
• 1. There’s a 74.5 percent chance she’s not a real person.
• 2. Barnett’s website butchers her name (if she’s real).
But wait. I digress.
One of the coolest things about Barnett’s comma-hampered, fake name-laced website is that, upon loading, it offers up a second or two of his head looking like this …
And it got me thinking about the long-ago TV mini-series, “V,” when alien lizards arrived on earth and blended in by wearing synthetic skin. I’m not saying Josh Barnett is, in fact, an alien lizard (I’m not saying he’s not an alien lizard, either). But he is a man who believes Joe Biden stole the presidential election—despite every reason to think otherwise. He is a man who kneels before Donald Trump, and apparently cares nary an iota about the 45th president’s long history of creating a phony university, of lying about being a Ground Zero hero, about molesting women, about failing to pay taxes, about receiving five draft deferments (those darn bone spurs), about insisting Ted Cruz’ dad killed Kennedy. It’s all #fakenews to Josh, a guy who watches the Capitol riot unfold and apparently thinks either: A. “Shit happens” or B. “Fucking Antifa and their MAGA hats.” He’s a guy who, truly, is made to be the modern Greene-and-Bobert-esque off-the-reservation Republican of 2021. Where legislating isn’t nearly as important as shoving it to the libs and Tweeting about Trump living in their heads “rent free” [You got us, big boy].
The truth is, somewhere deep down, Josh Barnett probably realizes he’s fucked. He knows Trump butchered the pandemic response, and that Joe Biden and Co. (dammit) have handled it well. He sees the recently passed recovery package and (for fuck’s sake) knows the large majority of Americans like it. He takes to Twitter to mock masks as safety measures, but wouldn’t dare consult with an actual infectious disease expert to make sure he knows whereof he speaks (A riddle for Josh Barnett: Why did Donald Trump make routine light of the pandemic, then get the vaccine and tell no one? (asking for a friend)).
If there’s one moment that sums up the Josh Barnett movement (or lack thereof), it’s a pair of Tweets from five days ago—aimed at Doug Ducey, Arizona’s Republican-but-not-nearly-Republican-enough-for-douchey-Josh Barnett governor …
The first features Barnett acknowledging (without realizing the self own) that Ducey ignores him as one would a gnat perched atop a fireplace.
The second features Barnett realizing he fucked up on the spelling.
It’s quite the douchey thing to do.