The third Jeffpearlman.com Win A Book contest …

OK, I’m throwing it down. Whoever gives the best answer to the following question wins an advanced (when I get them myself) autographed copy of Boys Will Be Boys, my ’90s Dallas Cowboys biography that comes out in September.

The question is this: Given the choice, which would you rather have:

A. Voice box.
B. Colostomy bag.

And why?

Please post your answers …

Writer’s note: As my wife, family members and friends will tell you, I live for hypothetical questions. This, to me, is the toughest of choices.

17 thoughts on “The third Jeffpearlman.com Win A Book contest …”

  1. thats one heck of a question Jeff!

    Lets see. If one would have the bag, you could really mess with your friends, family and complete strangers.

    BUT, if one has the voice box, you could definitely make all kinds of great prank phone calls, or you could have a blast at Halloween with the odd voice. Not to mention you could karaoke Styx Mr Roboto…so my vote would go to the Voice Box

  2. voice thingy.

    baggies are a pain to carry around – you need extra ones, what happens if one breaks, etc. lots to think about.

    with voice thingy all i need is batteries and i am good to go. plus it is clearly visible so maybe i get sympathy in line. with the bag maybe someone notices a faint odor but we all play dumb…everyone loses.

    also i spend all hours of the day online. voice? we don’t need no stinkin voice.

  3. You have a sick and twisted mind my friend. That said, this is a no brainer, Voice box 100%.

    The thought of having to empty my “bag of crap” all the time is a problem. Add to that walking around smelling of feces all day is not inviting.

    Your sex life is basically over!! Can you imagine as you are about to “do the deed” with your significant other you say, hold on one second while I empty my smelly bag of crap!! I am sure that would put her in the mood!!

    The voice box is clearly the way to go. You could be employed in the entertainment field doing “voice overs” Certainly the jerky boys or Howard Stern would hire you to do nothing but make prank calls. I can see it now you call the bar or your friends boss and say I am looking for Anita Bath (I need a Bath) Or, you can call your crazy friends job who chose the colostomy bag and ask for Ahmed Adouty (I made a doodie.)

    I think the Voice Box wins!!

  4. This one is a no brainer, voicebox, especially if you can alter the voices or if they make a box that gives you the option of celebrity voices. Who wouldn’t want to sound like “Dirty Harry” or Harrison Ford? Although I’m sure Jeff would be the first to order the Skip Bayless model.

    I am a hypothetical question asker as well, 15 year veteran. The Japanese really get confused by that because their brains are trained to deal in simple reality, dreaming is not an option. Recently one of my translators’ cell phone rang in the middle of a team meeting. He was appalled and got dirty looks from coaches as this is a no-no that goes to a whole new level here. My hypothetical question to him: What would you rather have happen, you’re in a meeting with legendary Saddaharu Oh (our manager) and either your cell phone rings really loud or your rip a monster fart?

    They’re no fun with stuff like this because the thought of either makes them so uncomfortable they can’t even allow themselves to choose…hypothetically.

  5. Man that is a hard one! At first I thought – the bag – because I talk a lot (o.k. more than a lot A TON) and I don’t think I could go without my own voice. You can tell so much about a person through voice. That being said the thought of walking around with a bag of my own intestinal discharge hanging off me- well that is just not sexy and for a single girl like me – well lets just say that I would be FOREVER single.

    But then I thought “who wants to date a girl who sounds like Steven Hawkings?!” Picture it – add Hawking voice to this scenario “ooohhh yeah baby….right there ..mmmmmm ..that’s soooo good..” NOT SEXY.

    So I am thinking that I would be screwed or should I say WOULD NOT BE SCREWED either way. So I have a dilema.

    I think I would have to sacrifice my voice. At least I could still communicate but also have a somewhat normal life. Granted I couldn’t talk during sex for fear of killing the moment and his hhheeehhemmm, but at least there would be no poop involved – unless your into that kind of thing!

    So all that being said I vote for the box!

    Nicole

  6. The answer is most definitely a voice box. As I recall, Kane the wrestler from the WWE/WWF made the voice box the cat’s pajamas. Nobody was more intimidating than Kane, and as cool, as a result of talking like a robot. And, really, who doesn’t like the voice of a robot? Millions of people just flocked to the opening of Wall-E. Why? Because he’s a friggin’ robot! What’s the one dance that has aged like a fine wine? The friggin’ robot! When someone performs the robot effectively you either watch intently or laugh hysterically, or both. It’s awesome.

    Look at it this way: You’re at a party and, of course, trying to impress. What are you going to do if you have a colostomy bag? “Hey everyone, check out this fresh dookie I just made!” Or are people going to crowd around you and watch with wide-eyes and smiles as you perform impressions of Stephen Hawking, Kane, and C3PO?

    Unless this party involves some sort of bizarre fetish theme, the voice box is the easy choice. Oh, and people tend to frown upon the smell of shit it seems.

  7. I’d have to go with the colostomy bag, and for 2 good reasons. First, when you use a voice box, no one pays attention to anything you have to say, but just the way you say it. I’d rather people be in awe of my words than of the machine. Secondly, the bag is easy, because I’m in California, and we already know our sh** doesn’t stink.

  8. You guys are all wrong! I want both! Why choose between two great options when you can have it all? And don’t think I’m joking. I’m being 100% serious. What’s the fun of pooping in a bag if you can’t tell people about it in a computerized voice? And what’s the fun of having a computerized voice if you can’t use it to talk about poop in a bag? Really, folks, some people CAN have it all. And if I had my way, I’d have both!

  9. Neither are appealing, but…The colostomy bag.

    I am a journalist who actually interviewed a woman with a colostomy bag (it was a heartwarming, person-overcoming-adversity article – she’d had a debilitating stomach ailment that necessitated the bag). She worked as a personal trainer, was married, sounded like she had a really active, fun life, so it didn’t sound like the bag impaired her all that much. She seemed sincere and genuinely happy. So, if she could work the colostomy bag, I suppose I could, too.

    The voice box would only be cool if I could have Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood’s voice.

  10. Top 5 reasons why a colostomy bag is better:

    5. no worries about long car trips
    4. can post true life adventures with your colostomy bag at http://www.poopreport.com
    3. poop jokes are always funny – now you have a built in joke factory
    2. no hemroids
    1. worry not about having to sit in, ugh, public rest rooms

  11. As Jeff would probably guess, I’m not in this for the book as much as for the question.

    From my perspective, it’s all about which would give me less discomfort. I’d suggest the voice box. A box may make me sound funny, but no more weird than I probably sound without one. A bag on the other hand might not make the people hearing me feel weird, but I’d have to say it’d affect my lifestyle a lot more.

    As for the guy who seems to think Japanese people can’t handle hypothetical questions, a fart, w/o a doubt. You can only do so much about holding in gas. You can certainly do something about the damn phone. Your manager will probably take that into account.

    And here’s my own hypothetical question for whoever reads this. Which could you stand more? Endless philosophical meandering (without a real point) or endless criticizing & complaining (without seeing a bright side)?

  12. Why, a voice box of course. I could sound just like Peter Frampton. Plus, I mispronounce everything anyway.

    I already have a colostemy bag — it’s called my underwear.

  13. To live without one’s voice or to live without one’s hole? While technology has come so far, you have to think which one do you value more? Your rear or your mouth?

    Well, on one hand (not literally) your rear is a very sensitive area that all people hold in high regard. If you take away it’s main objective it almost feels useless to you. What else would it be good for? Why work out and tone it? It just becomes two fat flaps of skin. You are taking away its one true purpose in life. As human beings, many people struggle with their life purpose. Without one, you are a lone wanderer. So is true of our body parts.

    On the other hand, your voice is the melody of your personality. It encompasses so much emotion, feelings, and thoughts. It’s how you express yourself. It can be an attribute or debilitating feature of your attraction to the opposite sex. You take your voice away and you’re left with few other ways to express yourself.

    So my answer is the colostomy bag because you can’t find more creative ways to use your rear but you can to express yourself and use your voice like through writing and choosing the right words to express emotion. Creativity can overcome a voice box while a colostomy bag is just a pain in the ass (or the side), and who wants that???

    Side note: if wikipedia teaches me anything upon my research (what a credible source, right?) of this article it is that colostomy bag is the incorrect term. It’s actually called an ostomy pouching system. I prefer colostomy bag.

  14. I’m going to go with the bag. It’s like an accessory. I could wrap one of those Bermuda Bag covers around it… then I am at the height of fashion, and could probably fit my keys in there as well.

  15. People must really want your book to voice their opinion on a voice box or a poop bag,lol. I just want to know, if Charles Haley had a poop bag, would he go around trying to spray people with the poop bag. or Shouting I am the last naked poop bag warrior.

  16. As a young woman who has been forced to wear a colostomy bag I must state that this is extremely offensive. I did not elect to have a colostomy, rather, at the age of twenty-two that decision was made for me. I do not smell and it is not visible under my clothes. My colostomy saved my life and while I often wish I had my full body, I can proudly say that my stoma is a testimony to my survival. In terms of intimacy, it really helps to weed out the individuals you do not want to be with!

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