Farewell, soul.

Well, my soul is gone.

Today, the Pearlmans bought (egad) a minivan.

Fuck, I feel like Fonzi admitting he was wrrr … wrrr … wrrr …. wrrr-ooonnng. I can barely get the word off my lips—mmmiiinnnnn … mmmmiiiinnniiii ….. mmmm … mmmm.

Minivan

Fuck.

My wife, who I love more today than the day I married her, was sorta right: We have two kids, they have play dates, there was nowhere to stash a friend or two in the ol’ Mazdas. It makes sense, and I can’t argue the point. But, damn, I feel like the world’s biggest sellout. It’s a Town & Country, which sounds like a magazine for horse-riding gardeners. Even worse, it gets 16—sixteen!—miles per gallon. Ugh.

What sucks most is I’m the guy who stares down the people driving mini-vans; the one who leaves the notes under windshields saying, “If you’re gonna drive a gas-guzzling shit mobile, at least learn to park it.” Now, like Clark Kent in Superman II, I have lost my powers. What notes can I write? What individuality can I boast? I am yet another suburban pod person, driving a minivan, sending out holiday cards featuring photos of my kids, gossiping about the mother at my daughter’s school whose hair smells like peanuts. Soon enough, I’ll join the PTA and scream from the sidelines of my son’s youth soccer games.

Destiny—it’s a bitch.

3 thoughts on “Farewell, soul.”

  1. Look at it this way. Just about everybody looks at minivans before they need one and thinks, “No way that’s ever me. It can’t be that hard to tote kids around in a sedan.”

    Then all those people have kids and find themselves eventually saying, “Screw it. We need a minivan.”

    This tells me it is a utilitarian decision and the people who continue to fight to avoid buying the least cool class of car ever are probably just overly image conscious.

    Of course, I don’t have kids so I can still shudder at the thought of having to buy one…and do.

  2. I feel your pain. July 2005 was my vehicle Waterloo, when I traded in my black V6 Jetta for a Toyota minivan. Those Germans know how to engineer a 5-speed with nimble handling…but damn if they could do it in a car that fits car seats very well.

    “But it does have 10 cupholders” only goes so far in making you feel better.

    But you get used to it…and it is a practical decision, if there ever was one. No more taking 2 cars when guests are in town or the kids have friends to schlep around.

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