As has been made clear many times, both here and at sportsjournalists.com, I have thin skin. I hate being slammed, ripped, mocked, etc.
That love, I love movie reviews that annihilate. Here, courtesy of Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, is one of the best ledes, ever …
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.
The full review is here. It’s fantastic, and serves as a reminder that Ebert is far more than a TV personality. He’s a legit stud of a reviewer/writer, who knows how to pick his spots.
Here’s another one I greatly enjoyed, from Manohla Dargis of the New York Times. It’s more subtle than Ebert’s, butâ€”in certain partsâ€”equally scathing. I especially dug this:
You know the rest because youâ€™ve seen (and read) it many times before. After nestling in the bountiful bosom of family and some unexpected naked slapstick with Andrew, Margaret melts. He mans the ramparts, she lowers her defenses. He thrusts, she parries. He chops wood and loses his shirt. She loses her cellphone and ditches the heels. He rescues her, scooping her out of the water after she falls from a boat. She shivers and smiles and tears up as she talks about her tragic past, revealing the sad little girl whoâ€™s long been hidden behind the cruel disguise of a sensationally successful professional adult. Ding-dong the witch is soon dead and in her place, well, here comes the bride.
I wouldn’t enjoy reviewing films, because I couldn’t spend that much time watching dog crap. But I admire the kings of the genre.
** For the record, Jordan, my 8-year-old nephew, loved the new Transformers movie, and he doesn’t even care about Meghan Fox’s eternally throbbing breasts.