JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Sweet Home Alabama

I like the state of Alabama. Really, I do.

In 1995, I ran the Rocket City Marathon in Huntsville, Alabama. I’ve also been to Birmingham, as well as a couple of other small towns. It’s a nice place, filled with some real southern charm and class.

That said, given the choice between moving to Alabama or permanently affixing a Starbucks cup atop my nose while changing my name to Anal Rupture, I’d pick the latter. Without question.

In short, Alabama is fucked up. Not all of it. And not all of the people. But the politics is straight out of the 1950s, to the point where I truly believe many of the more vocal and powerful Republicans would gladly erase the majority of Civil Rights legislation in favor of a return to the good ol’ days of peace and harmony and separate drinking fountains. If only those damn Negroes hadn’t demanded certain things …

I digress. This blog has been a place to share and embrace some hella fine Alabama political ads, but the one above might be the bestest. It’s paid for by a group called the True Republican PAC, and accuses a Republican gubernatorial candidate named Bradley Byrne of (gasp!) believing in evolution! And saying that not everything in the Bible is true!

Dear heavens, the devil is coming! Let’s run for the bomb shelter, Millie! Run!

Sadly, we know where this one goes. Byrne drops a few points in the polls, then releases his own inane ad, standing alongside his family and saying “My opponents say I believe in evolution. They know darn well that I love and embrace God, and that he created the world in six days. Why, I even teach Sunday school at my little church back home in Bumbleville …”

Here’s the worst part: Byrne actually seems somewhat sensible. He’s a solid candidate with strong credentials who will end up in the mud with the idiot pigs.

PS: Crap—the dude actually did what I predicted. So sad. Here’s the statement, from his website …

•    I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that every single word of it is true. From the earliest parts of this campaign, a paraphrased and incomplete parsing of my words have been knowingly used to insinuate that I believe something different than that. My faith is at the center of my life and my belief in Jesus Christ as my personal savior and Lord guides my every action.

•    As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God. As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state.

•    I have a long and proven record when it comes to opposing tax increases on the people and businesses of Alabama. In 2003, I joined many other Republican lawmakers in supporting our Republican governor in voting to allow the people of Alabama to vote on a constitutional amendment that included a restructuring of our tax system, education enhancements and government accountability measures.   Every vote my attackers mention were included in that constitutional amendment and none of them could be implemented without the people’s approval.

•    Like so many other Alabamians, I was raised in a conservative-minded Democratic household. Nearly 15 years ago, I realized the Democrat Party had taken a sharp and decisive turn to the left. Its liberal social policies, wasteful spending habits and big-government expansion no longer represented the principles in which I believed. I became a Republican in 1997 and have been an active member of the Republican Party since then. Unlike all my opponents, I have worked hard to help elect conservative Republican candidates, to change the direction of our Democrat-controlled legislature and to help build a strong Republican Party in Alabama.