vara ray loves me! (but, eh, her name is now Vera)

My heart is aflutter. Joy is in the air. I see little birdies, chirping beneath a golden sun.

I am in love.


vara ray has written me once again (Here’s our last correspondence, for those of you catching up). Only this time, she spelled her name “Vera.” But, hey, who’s keeping score? When love brings two souls together as one, what’s a little thing like authenticity? Or, as my soon-to-be-dumped wife often says, “Don’t yuck my yum.”

Anyhow, to the business at hand.

First, vara ray attached yet another photograph. And, I must say, for a woman being essentially held captive in an African refugee camp, well, she looks mighty fine. (By fine, I mean fiiiiiine)


Second, vara ray has money. Lots of money! And she wants me to have it! Me, Jeff Pearlman! Last week I was struggling to pay my bills, and now I’m about to become rich beyond my wildest dreams! Holy cow! Holy friggin’ cow! vara ray says that all I need to do is provide her with the details of my bank account, and she will transfer me the $5.3 million that was placed in her name after her father’s tragic death.

Hell, enough babbling. Here’s her love letter. Eat your hearts out, fellas …


Hello Dearest,
I am glad to write you this email now. How is life treating you?  i Hope fine.
Mine is very tough over here in Dakar Senegal.Sorry for delaying my reply.I thank God for you.Your message was a bit relief for me. May God protect you for me.

I earlier told you that i am living in the Camp, In this camp we are only allowed to go out from the camp only on Mondays to Fridays of the weeks. Its just like one staying in the prison and I hope by Gods grace  and with your help,i will come out here soon. We don’t have any relatives now whom we can go to all our relatives ran away in the middle of the war.

The only person we have now is  Rev. Joel Amos who is the Reverend Minister in charge of the church in this camp  (CHRIST DE SAVIOR MISSION) He has been very nice to me since I came here but I am not living with him rather I am living in the women’s hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men the other for women.The Pastors Tel number is (+221765 963 029)or(00221 765 963 029) Feel free to call me through his number. If  you call and tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel.

As a refugee here I don’t have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because I only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this,I have my late father’s statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you latter,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is $5.3(Five Million three Hundred Thousand US Dollars).

So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it  you can send me money, for me to come over to meet with you in your country. I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me.

So in the light of above I will like you to keep it to yourself and don’t tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember I am giving you all this information due to the trust I deposed on you.I like honest, understanding and God fearing people,truthful and a man of vision, and hardworking.information

my love please send me your contact information

Your Age………………..

Your Full name………..

Your Full Address…………..

Your Telephone number….

Your Occupational…….

Your country………..

My favourite language is english but our language is french but I speak english very fluently. Meanwhile I will like you to call me like I said I have alot to tell you.
Have a nice day and think about me.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest
Thanks and remain


I only have one concern, and it is this. Once vara ray arrives in America, how will all that money impact our love and passion? It seems that finances always get in the way. One day we’re talking about the six dirty beans that constituted her diet in the camp, the next day we’re debating whether to take the Jag or the Benz. I don’t want that to come between us; to drive a wedge in our feelings.

Oh, I know! I’ll bring this up to vara ray and see what she says. Here’s the letter I’ll send:

Dear my beautiful vara ray:

Thank you for your lovely letter. You are my soul’s companion. I can feel that truth in my heart, my loins (vara—this is not to be confused with lions. I don’t actually own a lion) and the octagon mole located on my lower back (my friends say it looks like Popeye’s side profile. I’m not so sure). I so desperately want to be with you. I feel tingling in my toes, just thinking about your pending arrival.

However, I have one concern. I will gladly provide my banking information so that you can transfer the $5,300. However, do you at all worry that money will stand in the way of our relationship? I don’t want riches to erode our love, the way it has for so many others (Mike Tyson and Robin Givens come to mind. I really thought those kids were going to make it. Didn’t you?). So, I was thinking: What if, once you arrive, we take all that money and buy balloons? We could walk the world together, hand in hand, giving out one balloon per person (two if the kid is especially fat). That way, happiness trumps finances!!

My love, my vara ray, please tell me if this is acceptable to you, and I will immediately forward you the information. I love you like a bee loves a horse; like a hamburger loves a booger; like Moses Malone loved Axl Rose. We are meant to be together. I just know it.

Your forever love,


PS Before we get married, is it “vara” or “Vera”?


More later