JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Jesus Hates You

A few hours ago I was watching CNN at the gym when they showed a video (see above), from Black Friday, of people getting trampled at a Buffalo Target.

Wait … what’s that? Jesus! You want to write a blog post? Really? Uh … OK.

Ladies and gentlemen—Jesus Christ:

My dear beloved people in Buffalo. I, Jesus Christ, want you to know that you are all a bunch of losers. Seriously—l-o-s-e-r-s. Do you know what Christmas is supposed to be about? My birth? My creation? My day of entering this world, via the womb of the Virgin Mary, my mother. It is the holiest of holy days. I know people talk up Easter, but it’s not even close. This is my birthday. Your Lord. Your Savior.

So, seriously, get a fucking life. The Transformer little Jimmy wants will be there in six days. There are 8,000 copies of Avatar sitting in the stock-room. iPads are made in bulk. You all are a bunch of losers, and while I, Jesus Christ, won’t damn you to an eternity in Hell, I also won’t promise you anything more than a longshot chance of the Pearly Gates.

You all suck.

Bless me.

PS: You—the people charging for the shopping carts while the man is screaming in pain. You’re actually going to Hell. Sorry. It is what it is.