Jesus Hates You

A few hours ago I was watching CNN at the gym when they showed a video (see above), from Black Friday, of people getting trampled at a Buffalo Target.

Wait … what’s that? Jesus! You want to write a blog post? Really? Uh … OK.

Ladies and gentlemen—Jesus Christ:

My dear beloved people in Buffalo. I, Jesus Christ, want you to know that you are all a bunch of losers. Seriously—l-o-s-e-r-s. Do you know what Christmas is supposed to be about? My birth? My creation? My day of entering this world, via the womb of the Virgin Mary, my mother. It is the holiest of holy days. I know people talk up Easter, but it’s not even close. This is my birthday. Your Lord. Your Savior.

So, seriously, get a fucking life. The Transformer little Jimmy wants will be there in six days. There are 8,000 copies of Avatar sitting in the stock-room. iPads are made in bulk. You all are a bunch of losers, and while I, Jesus Christ, won’t damn you to an eternity in Hell, I also won’t promise you anything more than a longshot chance of the Pearly Gates.

You all suck.

Bless me.

PS: You—the people charging for the shopping carts while the man is screaming in pain. You’re actually going to Hell. Sorry. It is what it is.

6 thoughts on “Jesus Hates You”

  1. Easter is the most Holy day for Christians.
    Christmas is just a day to remember Jesus was born. He wasn’t even born on that day.
    It is a good day to remember Jesus but, he is the Christ because of Easter.

    Christmas has just become another excuse for humans to consume.
    Most Christians understand it is not about shopping, it is the nonbelievers that go nuts.

  2. This video and the one you posted not too long ago showing the fight at the Giants game really make me sick. Whether it be people trampling fellow human beings in order to get some piece of shit that will be in the garbage a few months from now, or the flat out animal behavior of barely beyond Neanderthal level assholes at a football game, I am constantly reminded of why I hate being in crowds of people. The mob mentality is frightening.

  3. P.S. – You have to love the sight of the morons, who despite hearing and seeing someone being trampled, continue to RUN right past him into the store! The thought of stopping to make sure that nobody is hurt is such a foreign concept I guess.

    Kind of reminds me of this story –
    http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6023826/bill_nye_the_sciene_guy_tweet_first.html

    Sorry to be a blatant kiss ass Jeff, but you are dead on when you talk about teaching EMPATHY!!

  4. Black Friday is an odious creation and I blame stupid people and big retail in equal measure.

    I understand that in this poor economic times, it’s important for retail to have a good showing during the holiday season, but perpetuating human greed by making an event out of consumerism is just gross.

    And people gleefully wake up at insane hours to wait for store openings. Worse, they’ll push and shove each other to get crap.

    We’re getting exactly what we deserve with this “holiday.”

  5. Wow, looks like skinny people just don’t lineup all night to buy a TV.
    95% of those people needed the run.

    (This just does not happen in Canada. We take your good stuff, but we leave that sort of business to you ;-)))

Leave a Reply