JEFF PEARLMAN

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Shocking news concerning Sean Hannity

Well, I have some shocking news to report about Sean Hannity, the Fox News host and alleged transexual crack addict.

Yesterday, when I broke the story of Sean Hannity’s past life as a transexual crack addict, the news went viral. Twitter! Facebook! Other, ahem, places! So you would think that Sean Hannity, alleged transexual crack addict, would address the rumors; would put them to rest; would just come out and tell the truth.

Well, he hasn’t!

Amazingly, with rumors swirling, Sean Hannity refuses to address his (alleged) past as a transexual crack addict. I can’t believe this. Because where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And here, there’s certainly fire. Today’s blog post features three experts in the field of Sean Hannity’s alleged past as a transexual crack addict. We have with us Dennis Hopson, a noted blogger; Chris Morris, a noted blogger; and this guy, who looks good in a suit.

Let me ask first, why won’t Sean Hannity simply address the rumors about him being a transexual crack addict? I mean, if Sean Hannity were not a transexual crack addict—and I’m not saying he isn’t—why wouldn’t he just come forward?

Hopson: Well, Jeff, where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

Morris: He needs to come clean.

Guy in Suit: I think what we’re missing here is the guilt that comes with being a transexual crack addict.

Hopson: It’s probably tough being one.

Morris: Yes.

Me: But, guys, here’s the thing. There was a blog yesterday that released a photograph of a transexual person who looked, from the chin down at certain angles, like Sean Hannity. So doesn’t Sean Hannity now need to put these rumors to rest?

Morris: I think he does. Otherwise, we need to keep talking about it.

Hopson: I think he was a transexual crack whore.

Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dennis, let me get this straight. You’re not merely saying Sean Hannity was a transexual crack addict. Now you’re saying he was a transexual crack whore! A transexual crack whore! You are reporting, unambiguously, that Sean Hannity was a a transexual crack whore! Well, I think Sean Hannity must address this issue. I mean, why doesn’t he just release the photographs from his life as a a transexual crack whore and let the nation decide. Because if Sean Hannity, rumored transexual crack whore, is a a transexual crack whore, well, we to get to the bottom of it immediately! And, again, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Lots of fire!

Stay tuned, only right here on America’s blog—jeffpearlman.com.