How to win at roulette (and turd cutters)

Last night I visited Atlantic City with Greg and Brant. It’s a gross place—mesmerizing and disgusting at the same time. But it’s a place to go, and I’ve only been there once or twice. So, hey.

Brant, a smart guy, told us he had a plan to win money. He talked up the plan to make money. Nearly guaranteed the plan to make money.

And it (gasp!) worked.

Here it is, as told to me: On the roulette table there are outside bets. There are three blocks where one can place chips—the 1-12 block, the 13-24 block, the 25-38 block—and each one pays 2 to 1. So you pick two. and you have 24 out of 38 covered. I think those are the best odds in the house. It’s slow and boring, but not boring when you win.

So last night, at Bally’s Wild West (land of $2 beers and half-dressed cowgirls atop bars), Brant played three times. He put down $30—and won $15 every time. Didn’t lose once.

And that’s that.

PS: Turd cutter.

Never heard the phrase before last night. There were a lot of young women wearing ultra-tight short skirts in the casinos. I noted something to Brant that I’ve never noted to anyone before. “Isn’t it strange how men are so into female asses?” I said. “I mean, they’re just things people poop out of. Why do we find that sexy?”

We tossed this back and forth, and Brant mentioned that a comedian once called butts “turd cutters.” I loooooove that. So true.