I visited hell this morning. It’s pictured above, and it reeks of rotting skin and moldy feces and all the horrible, nightmarish, miserable things that Satan surrounds himself with.

It is my local post office.

I’m not really kidding. My local post office is like a visit to the morgue—you enter, and are immeditely overcome by a desperate need to exit. The lines are always long. The supplies are always limited. When you want a special sort of stamp, they always seem to have a choice of two: Images of some 17th centrury poet or the Smurfs. Worst of all is the woman—the woman who tortures my dreams. I won’t use her name here—we’ll just call her Hagatha the Evil Wench from Fucking Hell. Trust me, it’s accurate.

Hagatha the Evil Wench from Fucking Hell hates her job. She also hates human beings. Which makes for an interesting combination. Hagatha the Evil Wench from Fucking Hell will yell and snap at you for anything. Absolutely anything. Not knowing the price of stamps. Not writing a return address on your letter. Not using strong enough tape. She has bleached blonde hair and a pitbull’s snarl, and were we to meet in an alley I’d cower in fear. She makes a visit to the post office as pleasant as a visit to a Shell station bathroom. I used to find some humor in the way she treated unsuspecting victims: “Excuse me, but does Priority Mail ship to …”


Now, however, she makes me want to vomit.

As does the post office itself.

Oh, one other thing. There is no such thing as a quick visit to the post office. You walk in, there’s always a line. A looooooong line. There’s always someone in front of you with 12 packages, or someone who doesn’t understand English and merely wants three stamps, or someone who happens to know Hagatha the Evil Wench from Fucking Hell and wants to talk about the weather. I’ve wasted, oh, seven years of my life inside that building. Maybe eight.


Pure hell.

11 thoughts on “Hell”

  1. That’s government employees for you. The Federal government cannot run ANYTHING right. I am quite surprised you are not DEFENDING a government run entity. Think about this….once socialized medicine kicksin, you will be writing the same exact article accept instead of Post Office, you will be writing Doctor’s Office.

    1. Bobby, again, so you prefer the private health care system where, quite literally, sick people can be denied coverage; where prices soar uncontrollably? i’m not saying a governement system will be perfect … but right now everything is so fucked up, it’d be an improvement.

  2. A little post information for you who think it is badly run by the government.

    The Modern Postal Service: Agency or Business?
    Until adoption of the Postal Reorganization Act of 1970, the U.S. Postal Service functioned as a regular, tax-supported, agency of the federal government.

    According to the laws under which it now operates, the U.S. Postal Service is a semi-independent federal agency, mandated to be revenue-neutral. That is, it is supposed to break even, not make a profit.

    In 1982, U.S. postage stamps became “postal products,” rather than a form of taxation. Since then, The bulk of the cost of operating the postal system has been paid for by customers through the sale of “postal products” and services rather than taxes.

    Each class of mail is also expected to cover its share of the costs, a requirement that causes the percentage rate adjustments to vary in different classes of mail, according the costs associated with the processing and delivery characteristics of each class.

    According to the costs of operations, U.S. Postal Service rates are set by the Postal Regulatory Commission according to the recommendations of the Postal Board of Governors.

    Look, the USPS is an Agency!
    The USPS is created as a government agency under Title 39, Section 101.1 of the United States Code which states, in part:

    (a) The United States Postal Service shall be operated as a basic and fundamental service provided to the people by the Government of the United States, authorized by the Constitution, created by Act of Congress, and supported by the people. The Postal Service shall have as its basic function the obligation to provide postal services to bind the Nation together through the personal, educational, literary, and business correspondence of the people. It shall provide prompt, reliable, and efficient services to patrons in all areas and shall render postal services to all communities. The costs of establishing and maintaining the Postal Service shall not be apportioned to impair the overall value of such service to the people.

    Under paragraph (d) of Title 39, Section 101.1, “Postal rates shall be established to apportion the costs of all postal operations to all users of the mail on a fair and equitable basis.”

    No, the USPS is a Business!
    the Postal Service takes on some several very non-governmental attributes via the powers granted to it under Title 39, Section 401, which include:

    power to sue (and be sued) under its own name;

    power to adopt, amend and repeal its own regulations;

    power to “enter into and perform contracts, execute instruments, and determine the character of, and necessity for, its expenditures”;

    power to buy, sell and lease private property; and,

    power to build, operate, lease and maintain buildings and facilities.

    All of which are typical functions and powers of a private business. However, unlike other private businesses, the Postal Service is exempt from paying federal taxes. USPS can borrow money at discounted rates, and can condemn and acquire private property under governmental rights of eminent domain.

    The USPS does get some taxpayer support. Around $96 million is budgeted annually by Congress for the “Postal Service Fund.” These funds are used to compensate USPS for postage-free mailing for all legally blind persons and for mail-in election ballots sent from US citizens living overseas. A portion of the funds also pays USPS for providing address information to state and local child support enforcement agencies.

    Under federal law, only the Postal Service can handle or charge postage for handling letters. Despite this virtual monopoly worth some $45 billion a year, the law does not require that the Postal Service make a profit — only break even. Still, the US Postal Service has averaged a profit of over $1 billion per year in each of the last five years. Yet, Postal Service officials argue that they must continue to raise postage at regular intervals in order make up for the increased use of email.

    1. You forgot to mention that the postal service is in the red about the same amount as is paid to retirees.
      US Government employees that get their retirement funds from the sales of stamps instead of taxes.

  3. FedEx, my friend. Might cost a little more, but you sign up for an account online, provide the weight and measurements of your package, then print out your own shipping label. Slap it on the box, then go drop it off at a FedEx facility (don’t think they are hard to find). It’s FAR better than the post office, especially around the holidays.

  4. Damn, All Jeff said was that he sees a very lousy and miserable postal worker. We don’t need to know about the history and the rules and regulations. My experience is that most, but NOT all postal workers are just flat out miserable living organisms that are not worthy of being called human beings. Bottom line, they suck and they should be grateful to have jobs. I enjoy going to and using the postal service, but I definitely avoid getting online. The machines are awesome. I have also realized that the only borough that has decent post offices is in Manhattan. I rather leave my borough and go to a post office in Manhattan to avoid the nonsense.

  5. Well, yeah, of course she hates her job. She’s in customer service. 90% of us hate our jobs. The only difference is that, because she’s in a strong union, she doesn’t have to fake it. If it weren’t for the fear of getting fired, *most* of us would be Hagatha The Evil Wench from Fucking Hell. I envy her. I don’t even get to snap at you for blathering on your fucking cell phone when I’m trying to ring you up or not being able to read a simple sign. I wish!

  6. I don’t have any complaints about my local post office past the long lines, but that problem could be rectified by placing a full staff of personnel at the counter. Seriously… it seems everytime I visit the place I see one clerk and two signs that read “Next Counter Please”.

  7. I lived until recently in South Philly. I would go to the Post Office on the 1700 block of South Broad St. (you can look it up). The lines were never long – never more than one person in front of me – and the staff were always friendly. Recently I went to the USPS office in Collingswood, NJ, on Haddon Avenue – again, you can look it up. There was one person in front of me. The staff were friendly and helpful when I got to the counter. Most commonly I use the Post Office in the Land Title building on the 100 block of South Broad Street. Now, there, the lines do get long – but it’s in the heart of downtown Philly so no one is surprised by this. When you get to the counter, the staff are professional and efficient.

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