Douchebag!

I curse.

I’m not ashamed to say so. I enjoy cursing. I love the emphasis a good ol’ “motherfucker” places on a statement. I think “fuck you” can be powerful and impactful. “Shit” is barely a curse these days, but it feels pretty good when you’ve just banged my thumb with a hammer. And, at the head of the line, there’s my beloved “douchebag,” which—for me—is the greatest adjective known to man.

I know … I know—technically “douchebag” is not a curse. But it certainly outpaces “shit” on the insult meter. I probably haven’t gone more than two days without referring to someone as a “douchebag”—and, in the case of Will Clark, it’s been used, oh, 850 times. It just packs a punch other words lack.

“That guy …”

Which guy?

“That guy … the guy over there …”

Yes?

“He’s a fucking douchebag.”

Oh, I got it.

Back when I was a kid, growing up on the mean streets of Mahopac, N.Y., my pal Mattie Walker used to have (literally) his mouth washed out with soap when he cursed. I always found this to be quite curious, because why would you want your child cursing less? To me, a mastery of the English language—the entire English language—is something to be encouraged. So while I didn’t curse regularly throughout my boyhood, my folks allowed and understood the need for an occasional “fuck!” or “shit!”

Besides, my dad, when he was working on the car in the garage, sorta taught me much of what I know.  🙂

Fuck!

8 thoughts on “Douchebag!”

  1. Jennifer Stevens

    My mom’s protestation was always: “There are so many better words in the English language. Use those.”

  2. Nicole Schmidt-Bellusci

    Jeff your posts always give me a good laugh and put a smile on my face, thank you! I do agree that it feels good to curse sometimes. There are actually studies by linguists who found that most curses have emphasis on certain sylables and are considered cathartic when said. It also made me laugh when you said that you learned most curse words from your dad fixing the car in the garage. Same here (the car amognst other things in our garage) and the same is being repeated in Eddie’s garage and workshop! It is funny how it goes…..

  3. Did you intend to write this ode to “douchebag” immediately after writing yet another “everyone is racist except for me” blog post? Or was that just a happy coincidence?

  4. A true douchebag has a picture of Barry Bonds on his website to draw interest in his site, and then calls Barry Bonds out on his lack of integrity.

    I’m quite certain that if we ever met, I’d knock you on your ass. No wonder so many players were rude to you.

    1. right. or it could be because i wrote a biography about him. and if you’re so tough, why the fake e-mail address? impressive, Sparky. Impressive.

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