JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Don’t get a fucking neck tattoo.

Hello, I am unemployable.
Hello, I am unemployable.

Dear Young Person:

Don’t do it. Don’t get a neck tattoo. Seriously, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t do it.

I know you feel you’re cool. And invincible. You’ve got cred and hops and smarts and all that other shit, and your favorite celebrity has a tattoo of a Harley motoring across his throat.

Don’t. Do. It.

Don’t.

The reason your favorite celebrity has a tattoo of a Harley motoring across his throat is because he’s a celebrity. He made $5 million for his last album, and another $3 million for his deal with Coca-Cola. If he saves his money (a big fucking if, sadly), he’ll never have to go on another job interview the rest of his life.

You, on the other hand, do.

Because you’re young and prone to sheep-like behaviors, you don’t fully understand how the rest of the population views folks with neck tattoos. Here’s an example: You interview for a job at Starbucks. You have a neck tattoo, the other candidate doesn’t. You’re not landing the gig. Same goes for K-Mart, Target, Dunkin’ Donuts … etc … etc.

Take it another step: You’ve busted your ass to graduate college. 3.5 GPA. Good stuff. You start applying for corporate jobs. With a neck tattoo, no one hires you. Fuck, no one looks at you. So, frustrated, you go to law school. Takes three years, you again excel. You’re a friggin’ great future lawyer with skills out the rear. You apply to 10 firms. Seven call you in. The minute (like, the very minute) they see your neck tattoo, it’s over. Your interview is complete—even if they opt to humor you with some fluff questions.

I can’t state this with enough oomph. Getting a neck tattoo ruins you. R-U-I-N-S you.

Here, at 18, you can’t see clearly, because you’re blinded by the fog of inanity.

But, trust me, one day it will come back to bite you.

And you’ll remember this post.

Love,

Jeffie

PS: And who the hell gets a tattoo on the back of his/her neck? I mean, you can’t even see it. Are you that desperate to be noticed?