The Person of the Year

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Every year, starting, eh, now, the people at select their person of the year.

Wait, no. Their Person of the Year.

The 12 of us gather in a room for two weeks, eating only Buffalo Wild Wings takeout and drinking Vanilla Coke Zero. We narrow down the candidates from hundreds to dozens to, finally, one. We ask the questions that need to be ask: Who has impressed us the most this year? Who stands for our guiding principles? Who remains remarkable in an increasingly unremarkable world?

In short: Who makes us the happiest to be alive?

This year’s roster of nominees was impressive. Derek Jeter, the retiring Yankee shortstop. Taylor Swift, the pop princess. Barack Obama, the president people no longer seem to listen to. John Boehner, a man who smokes cigarettes. The Ferguson protesters. Tim Cook, the first openly gay Fortune 500 CEO. Brant Beaupre, the dude who designed this website. My mom, Joan.

In the end, however, it was an easy choice.

The 2014 Person of the Year is Emmanuel Lewis.

Why Emmanuel Lewis? Because, in 2014, he did not star in a reality show with his irritatingly self-indulgent sisters. He did not marry Kanye West. He did not have a baby and name it Jerry or Louis. He did not join ISIS or Al Queda. He was not a member of a congress that did historically little. He did not speak out on behalf the Ferguson police or against the Ferguson police. He did not appear in a porno, or write an autobiography nobody wanted to read. He is on neither Twitter nor Instagram.

He is the very person who no longer exists: The former celebrity content to be the former celebrity.

Plus, he’s cute as a button.

Congratulations, Emmanuel.