Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Check your neighbors

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This man’s name is Brian Carroll. He’s 45, lives is Salisbury, N.C. and likes showing people his penis.

OK, OK—I sorta made that last part up. I don’t know whether he likes showing people his penis or merely having his penis exposed. Either way, he sits in his backyard without clothes because, eh … um … I suppose just because.

A few days ago he was charged with indecent exposure and communicating threats after a neighbor called the police to report that Carroll was sitting nude in his yard on a lawn chair, a mere 30 feet from where his (the neighbor’s) daughter was riding a horse (There’s clearly a horse-penis joke waiting to be told here, but I’ll abstain).

Anyhow, Carroll owns a gun. Wait, let me state that again. Carroll owns a firearm. Wait, let me state that again. Carroll’s got quite the large weapon. Wait, let me state that again. Carroll owns an AK-47, and he apparently threatened to use it on his neighbor. He didn’t deny this to police, just laughed.

He was jailed under $2,000 bond.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. But there’s a lesson to be had here, and it’s this: When shopping for a new home, check out leaks, square footage, local schools and naked gun owners.

It’s best to know.