If you’ve followed this blog for a long enough period of time, you might know that the lowest point of my journalism career came nine years ago, when my Barry Bonds biography, “Love Me, Hate Me,” was released by HarperCollins two weeks after “Game of Shadows,” also a Bonds book, was brought forth by Gotham.
The first Bonds offering, written by Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, was a runaway New York Times best seller (and rightly so—it was excellent). The second offering, written by, eh, me, did merely OK.
From that moment on, I swore that I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever have one of my books come out after a rival covering the same turf. And, thankfully, it hasn’t happened again.
Until now.
As I write this, Kim Kardashian Selfish is one of the biggest sellers in America. It’s sitting at No. 14 on Amazon, and will almost certainly rise up the ranks. Which, truly, would not bother me—were Jeff Pearlman Selfish not scheduled to hit shelves next week.
Yes, Jeff Pearlman Selfish. I’ve been very hush-hush about the project, because it’s really a gift to my fans, who keep clamoring for insights into what makes me, Jeff Pearlman, tick. I, of course, thought the best thing I, Jeff Pearlman, could do was offer up a book featuring selfies snapped by me, Jeff Pearlman, around the house, with family and friends, taking one of those long, banana-like poops, staring longingly at my neighbor’s cat, eating moldy sponge cake, masturbating to mid-1970s Kenny Loggins photos, tying illegal fireworks to the beaks of pigeons. On and on.
Alas, Kim Kardashian beat me to it. Damn her.
But here’s the thing. Earlier this evening I had a chance to look at some of Kim’s photos and, well, they’re suspiciously similar to mine. For example …
And, how about this …
This one—just uncanny …
As is this one …
This was a personal favorite …
But the kicker for me … like, the moment when I knew something was awry, came when I turned to page 62 of Kim’s book and saw the below image—featuring Kim, Kim’s breasts and a very large mirror.
Did she steal my idea? Will I be suing her for billions of dollars? Do I feel violated and damaged? Hell, you be the judge …
