Meat crackers

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As anyone who reads this blog knows, I’m not a particularly religious man.

Every so often, however, something happens in my life that forces me to reconsider my takes on faith and destiny. There was, for example, this chance meeting back in a State College coffee shop. I’ve known people who’ve told stories so remarkable and otherworldly that, well, the possibility of an all-knowing God enters my mind.

And then, there’s a moment that occurred yesterday afternoon. In, of all places, the Irvine Spectrum Target.

I was walking through the store with my son when, for no particular reason, I glanced toward my left. The bags were located on a shelf—probably 40 or 50 of them, neatly stacked and arranged. At first, it seemed to be no big deal. As a father of two, I’ve purchased my fair share of Goldfish crackers. But upon further inspection, these were no mere Goldfish crackers.

No, these were …

Cheeseburger-flavored Goldfish crackers!

Our father, who art in heaven …

They’re new! They’re inexpensive! They come in three different colors! And three different flavors!

The yellow Goldfish crackers are, of course, delicious cheddar.

The red Goldfish crackers offer the delectable taste of ketchup.

The brown Goldfish crackers … the genius of the idea and the reason I am now happy to be alive and kicking and writing and eating … are flavored to represent meat.

Yes, meat. Goldfish now has a meat-flavored cracker. Which is amazing in about 10,000 different ways. I’ll offer a couple here …

1. It’s not always easy getting a burger.

2. Vegetarians can finally appreciate what it’s like to eat meat.

3. It’s crazy fun saying, “Meaty cracker.”

4. It’s crazier fun saying, “Meat cracker.”

5. Only a meat cracker can make a ketchup cracker seem sane.

The perks are endless. The joy everlasting. I truly believe this is what the great Willy Wonka had in mind all those years ago, when he developed a piece of chewing gum that—upon being placed in one’s mouth—morphed into an entire meal.

Of course, that whole mess wound up with Violet Beauregard turning into a life-sized blueberry.

This time, she’d only be a slab o’ meat.

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