I was a history major at the University of Delaware, and I’m in the process of wrapping up my masters degree from the University of South Florida. Hence, I’m more than qualified to offer this test to determine the worthiness of your life. One point for every time you answer YES …
• 1. When a football team’s kicker misses a reasonable field goal, I immediately run to Twitter to mock him for choking (add a half point if the answer to this is YES … and you’ve tried kicking a field goal but the ball didn’t travel beyond six yards)
• 2. When a football team’s kicker misses a reasonable field goal, my resulting unhappiness could—potentially—extend beyond an hour.
• 3. I consider Phil Simms an asshole because I don’t like his announcing style.
• 4. If a player on my favorite team is struggling mightily, I go to the stadium specifically to boo him (Give yourself an extra half point if you can add, “… but then, if I ever meet him I make sure and tell him how absolutely awesome he is!).
• 5. I screamed at the television (an inanimate object lacking ears) more than five times this weekend.
• 6. I am older than 30, and I own a jersey with the name of a man I’ve never met stitched to the back, above numbers that have nothing to specifically do with me.
• 7. I am older than 30, and I own multiple jerseys with the names of men I’ve never met stitched to the back, above numbers that have nothing to specifically do with me.
• 8. I know I could do a better job than [FILL IN THE BLANK NAME] coach. I! Just! Fucking! Know! It!
• 9. Your kids really wanted to do something with you today—like go to the park, or a movie, or swimming, or something—but you brushed them off to stay home and watch the game. Which they care nothing about.
• 10. You’ve named one of your children after an athlete—first or middle names apply.
KEY: 1-3 points (relatively OK); 4-6 points (Get a life, man); 7-9 points (Seriously, get a life, man); 10 points (I know a good therapist just up the road)