So I was doing some USFL research tonight, jumping around the ol’ YouTube, when I stumbled upon two priceless clips that I’d like to share. The first, dating back to 2011, stars a reporter named Sheila Sampatacos, who is assigned to interview former Seahawk center Art Kuehn. Only she clearly has no idea who Art Kuehn is—or how to pronounce his last name.
Everything starts out OK. She looks into the camera and says, “I’m here at the annual Seahawks alumni barbecue, and I’m here with former Seahawks … Art.”
That’s it. Just “Art.” Which is awesome in and of itself, but jumps into a special layer of awesomeness when she follows with, “When were you with the Seahawks?” Now, I don’t think we should blame Sheila for this. First, because she probably wasn’t alive when Art was with the team; Second, because it’s a producer’s job to feed her the basics. But still … the video is a priceless ode to Bad TV Interviewing: 101, and only gets worse when, 32 seconds in, Art makes a lame joke (“The older you are, the better you were”) and Sheila laughs as if Chris Rock just gave her a private hour-long set.
Sheila: “What position did you play again?”
Art: “I was an offensive lineman—center and guard.”
Sheila: “Yeah. I mean, hello. Look at this guy.”
It’s a weird and creepy moment. Art looks like a big guy in his 60s. But not that big. I’m thinking maybe Sheila’s overly dramatic reply is a subtle reference to Art’s shirt. But I’m not sure.
Anyhow, as awkward as Art-Sheila turns, it’s nowhere near as … odd as the exchange Mike Brown had with former Seahawks fullback John L. Williams, a pretty solid player for some pretty mediocre teams. Now, unlike Sheila, Mike seems to know his Seahawks, and starts by asking John L. what, exactly, he’s doing these days. Which brings forth this reply …
John L.: “I’m doing nothing other than being in Florida. Just sitting around and being lazy.”
Only John L. didn’t seem to be kidding. He’s literally sitting around, being lazy.
Mike then talks up John L’s time in Seattle—eight seasons, two Pro Bowl appearances, 4,579 rushing yards and 17 touchdowns. He was a good blocker and an excellent receiver; the kind of player who, just maybe, can sign autographs for $10 a pop at regional collectible gigs.
Williams says this. “I’m trying to push for the Hall of Fame …”
And Brown, rightly, laughs. Because clearly John L. is being funny and sarcastic.
Only, eh, he’s not.
John L.: “In my eight years in Seattle I think I ran the ball enough, caught enough passes and blocked for a lot of good running backs, where I think I should have been considered for [the Hall] at least.”
Just … yeah.