About 15 years ago, before Justin Timberlake was Justin Timberlake, *Nsync ruled the musical universe. They were a group of five guys who pumped out one pop hit after another. Like the New Kids on the Block before them and One Direction after them, the members of *Nsync left the females screaming and the record company executives counting their dollars. They were bigger than big, and every young girl (and many boys) had her personal favorite member. There was Justin, the baby of the bunch, with the curly hair and seductive voice. There was J.C., handsome and smooth. There was Joey, goateed and goofy. There was Lance, the blonde stud with the funky dance moves. And there was, of course, the, eh, um, eh, um, eh … fifth guy. Somethingasomething. What the hell was his na—
Ah, Chris!
Yes, there was Chris!
If we’re being honest, Chris Kirkpatrick never really belonged in *Nsync. He was the kid at your high school who placed second in the local mall talent show and starred in thew annual auditorium production of [fill in the blank] musical. He accepts a quarter scholarship to attend the creative arts program at the two-hours-away university, but switches majors after a year and returns for the reunion somewhat bloated and yapping ceaselessly about his exciting new career as a copy salesman. Which is totally fine—life is life and Chris Kirkpatrick is Chris Kirkpatrick.
Somehow, though, Chris Kirkpatrick wound up as one of the five dudes in *Nsync, and for a solid seven years the girls screamed his way, and he did his dance moves and even sang a little. And, all the while, those who weren’t bellowing wondered, simply, “What the hell is this guy doing here?”
Which leads us to Ben Carson.
In case you missed the news, earlier today Carson announced he was leaving the band we’ve all found ourselves listening to—Four Batshit Crazy Dudes and John Kasich. Members if FBCDJK (as they go by) have been sweeping the nation, making the media rounds, pimping out product and causing the girls to scream (Yes, mostly in horror. But they’re screaming nonetheless). But now, to the dismay of, well, absolutely no one, Carson is bolting. Perhaps he’s tired of the drag. Perhaps he’s running out of money. Perhaps he realizes what the rest of us have known for months—that he and Len Bias have the same odds of winning this election.
Really, however, I’m assuming Ben Carson—just like Chris Kirkpatrick—is ready to take his act solo and show the world what he can do.
Reality television, watch out. Ben’s coming …
