A big day

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Thank you all for coming here today to my website, for what I consider a particularly important moment in the history of this great nation.

Now, as you all know, we are in the midst of an historic—and somewhat scary—presidential election. Donald Trump, a man who has no business doing anything; a liberal in conservative clothing, is heading toward a nomination we can’t allow him to achieve. Ted Cruz, the candidate with the second-most delegates, is a demagogue who will set this country back centuries. John Kasich, well, yeah.

Anyhow, after much deliberation and contemplation, I stand before you today to announce that my running mate for the presidency is …

Mr. Emmanuel Lewis.

Thank you. Thank you. Mr. Lewis is a man of great distinction. He played Webster. He starred in Burger King commercials. He was friendly with Vince Neil on the Surreal Life. He lost all his money, but then made some of it back. I think. Emmanuel Lewis represents the best in American values. He once held Michael Jackson’s hands. He’s been derisively called “Webster” 17 million times without cracking. He will make a tremendous vice president, and he will restore dignity and grace to the executive branch of our government.

Emmanuel Lewis, everyone …