I don’t profess to have a personal relationship with God, or Jesus, or Moses, or Mary, or even Chuck Berry’s sister.
I’m not a man of the cloth, or a man of the Bible, or a man of the Torah.
But here is what I am 100-percent certain of: When Tennessee Titan kicker Ryan Succop made a 53-yard field goal to beat Kansas City yesterday, it was not God’s will. I know … I know—this goes against what Succop told SI’s Peter King. Namely, “No question in my mind it was the Lord’s will. That’s the one explanation for it. Glory to God.” But, seriously, I’m so tired of this shit. If there is a God, and He/She is all-powerful and the grand creator and the maker of life, he might care about the birth of little babies. He might care about terrorist attacks. He might care about presidential elections, about needless deaths, about the pope saying this and the grand duke saying that.
He does not, under any circumstance, care about a field goal.
But wait. Time out. Let’s pretend he does …
News Report: A Syrian military patrol killed 16 people in a …
News Report: A lone gunman in an Ohio restaurant shot …
News Report: A house was burned to the ground when Christmas lights …
God (to Jesus): “Can you turn all that down?”
Jesus (to God): “Why? It seems pretty important?”
God (to Jesus): “Ryan Succop is about to attempt a 53-yard field goal to beat the Chiefs?”
Jesus (to God): “The Chiefs are a bunch of sinners damned to hell.”
God (to Jesus): “I know. That’s why I’m going to make certain that kick goes through the uprights.”
Jesus (to God): “But it’s 53 yards and freezing. You know Ryan Succop doesn’t have such amazing leg strength when it’s cold …”
God (to Jesus): “That is why I am here. Just watch.”
News Report: “And Ryan Succop nails a 53 yarder! The Tennessee Titants are …”
Jesus (to God): “You really are special.”
God (to Jesus): “Yes. Yes I am.”