What the world needs

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So I’m sitting inside Dunkin’ Donuts, drinking a large half-coffee, half-hot chocolate. Tiffany, the manager here, is a ball of blissful perkiness. And I just said to her, “How many donuts do you have in a week?”

She smiled. “One.”

“That’s all?” I asked.

“If donuts were healthy,” she replied, “I’d be eating them all day long …”

And that’s when it hit me.

Fuck climate change.

Fuck poverty.

Fuck infrastructure.

We need to make donuts healthy.

Just imagine the joy. The love. The bliss. “I’ll take six—dozen!”

Yes, yes you will.

Were donuts healthy, I’d eat nothing else. Flavor be damned, I’d gorge and gorge and gorge and gorge. And fritters! What about the fritters? I’d be stuffing my face with apple fritters, blueberry fritters, fritters made from chocolate and fritters made from caramel. Fritters, fritters, fritters!

Alas, donuts are lard.


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