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Celebrities should never marry

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So my daughter gets People Magazine. Which means she reads it for five minutes, then it’s mine to serve as a companion on every bathroom trip for the next week.

The publication blesses the world with many important lessons. For example, beautiful humans will succeed. And, um, if you’re an actress and you make unlimited dollars and you have three nannies, one peach a day and a five-hour fitness regimen is a secret workout to be admired. And, of course, George Clooney is dashing.

But the most important offering is this: Celebrities should never marry.

Never.

Ever.

Ever.

I’m being serious.

Every friggin’ week in the “Passages” section there’s yet another example of some 50-year-old actor who fell head over heels in love, only to split with his 22-year-old hairdresser five weeks later. It’s an eternal truth: These socially underdeveloped dolts insist this time they’ve found the real thing. This time it’s different. She makes me feel human/whole/young/empowered/humble.

Then, pfft—it ends.

Perhaps the greatest example sits before me on page 34. In a tiny paragraph that reads …

NICHOLAS CAGE, 55, WAS GRANTED A DIVORCE FROM ERIKA KOIKE TWO MONTHS AFTER THEIR MARCH 23 LAS VEGAS WEDDING. CAGE FILED FOR ANNULMENT FOUR DAYS AFTER THE CEREMONY.

I mean, two months? Four days?

A law needs to be passed.

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