I’d like to thank Robert Foster, the Mississippi gubernatorial candidate, for agreeing to write a guest post for jeffpearlman.com on his decision to not allow an unaccompanied female reporter to ride along with him on the campaign trail.* One can visit Rep. Foster’s website here.
Over the past few days the liberal Yankee media elitists have been disparaging my decision to not allow a woman to ride unaccompanied in my car. I find this offensive. First, because I’m doing this to honor the three people I love most: 1. God. 2. Gabriela Sabatini’s foot pimple. 3 My wife. And second, because they have it all wrong. The reporter, Larrison Campbell of Mississippi Today, is certainly welcome to drive along with me. I just ask that she leave her vagina, breasts and any alluring perfume scents, specifically placed piercings or toe rings home where they belong and can’t be used against me as a trap to do all sorts of sexual stuff.
See, I am a man. A Christian man. A Christian man with a smallish penis. And my penis only wiggles and jiggles for my wife. I mean, what if I get a boner, like the time we stopped at Kennedy Fried Chicken a few weeks ago and the girl cleaning the trays asked if I needed napkins? Or the time I read about Pee Wee Herman in that movie threater? Or the time I watched Baker Mayfield throw his first pass? Or the time Juan, our pool boy, rubbed coconut oil along the small of my back? Or …
Let me begin again.
When I was a boy, growing up in Hernando, we had an annual town fair. And there was this prize-winning pig. We called him Ellis. And one day, our mayor had to run to buy some Hellman’s Mayonnaise for his wife. So he asked if I could watch Ellis. I was 11, maybe 12. And that pig looked at me like I was a naked Martina McBride. And that scared me. It really scared me. The moment Mayor McComb returned with that Hellman’s Mayonnaise for his wife, I sprinted from the barn and took a cold shower. I told myself I would never again sit alone with a pig while a mayor buys mayonnaise.
So this is sorta like that.
..* To be perfectly clear, this post is parody