So I was sorting thru Twitter this morning when I came upon a Fox News clip posted by the terrific Aaron Rupar.
Here it is …
And I love this.
I love this.
I love this.
I love this.
It immediately made me think of David Lee Roth’s 1985 cover of “California Girls,” and the accompanying music video that included a bunch of sweaty, nose-picking misfits on a tour bus to the desert. Lee Roth, serving as the guide, seems blissfully indifferent toward the oddness of his colleagues, and goes on as if it’s all just dust on a windshield.
In this case, live from Atlanta in anticipation of today’s
Grand Führer Donald Trump rally, the sad on-the-scene reporter brings us Terry, who made the drive all the way from Michigan to attend. And Terry is … well. He’s Terry. A huge man in a pink hat, glasses and a white T-shirt that reads THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN COVID-19 WOULD BE BIDEN 20.
Of course, he’s not wearing a mask, which is OK. Because … hey. Covid’s a hoax. So the sad on-the-scene reporter brings him over as Steve Doocy, one of the hosts, sighs audibly at the toxic circus that’s about to ensue. And, indeed, it’s toxic. More than 300,000 Americans have died of COVID-19, and Ol’ Terry is a close talker. So he leans into the mic, breathing with the weight of Fridge Perry following a one-yard touchdown plunge, and says—spit a spewin’—”We love you Ainsley!” (A side word to sad on-the-scene reporter: You just might wanna get a COVID test ASAP. Tell them Terry sent you)
The recipient of such affections is Ainsley Earhardt, Fox News co-host, Sean Hannity’s girlfriend (I didn’t make that up—Sean Hannity has a girlfriend!) and a woman who (I am quite certain) would run the other way at Stanley Floyd speed were Terry approaching in the flesh.
Instead, from the comfort of the New York studio, Ainsley starts with, “Terry, I lo—” And then stops. Just stops, and changes direction.
Maybe she was distracted.
Maybe she has pressing issues to address.
Or maybe, just maybe, she shot another gander at Terry and thought, “If I tell Terry ‘I love you, too,’ there’s a 64.7 percent chance he takes that literally and starts sending me flowers and deer antlers and shards from his dried booger collection. So let’s not.”
But then, at the last minute, sad on-the-scene reporter fucks it all up. He turns back to Terry and says, “She says she loves you, too!”
And that sound you hear—that little whisper from up north—is Ainsley Earnardt, Sean Hannity’s girlfriend, freaking the fuck out.
Because Terry has always dreamed of visiting the Big Apple.