You live in Whitehall, Ohio. Your house needs to be painted. Only you’re tired of boring paint jobs—one stroke after another after another. Blah, blah, blah. You’ve been through that all before. The painter shows up, lays down some plastic, fills the paint trays and gets to work.
“I want something different!” you declare.
“I want someone different!” you doubly declare.
So you dial 614-900-6985, and a man answers the phone.
“Faulkner Painting,” he says. “This is Troy Faulkner speaking.”
Wait. You’re the owner of Faulkner Painting?
“Yes, I am. Can I help you?”
The one who [looks at his Twitter feed] stormed the U.S. Capitol while wearing his Faulkner Painting jacket?
“Um, yeah. That’s me.”
Holy craps—that was epic!Did you know you’d be getting all this attention?
“Honestly, I just wanted to overtake the Capitol, hang Nancy Pelosi, skin AOC, spill some Democrat blood, eat a danish at the motel continental breakfast and then get back here to Whitehall. I was scheduled to paint an apartment complex the next morning. “
So why’d you wear the jacket?
“It was cold outside. Plus, what else is a guy supposed to wear when he’s anticipating carrying a severed congressional head in his pocket?”
How’s Monday look? I need my house painted?
“That depends. Can you swing $500,000 in bail?”