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Duh, yeah

Yeah, I paid. Would you have sex with me?

Matt Gaetz is a Florida congressman and lover of underage vaginas. He offered this guest commentary to

Yes, I paid for sex with women who were underage. I admit it, but I will not resign. For this, I offer two reasons.

• 1. I wanted to have sex.

• 2. I wanted to have sex with underage women.

• 3. Look at me.

OK, that’s three reasons. But the third is the biggie—look at me. I look like a pencil topped by an inflamed nipple. I look like a drunk Disney character strung out on crack. I look like the kind of boy you bring home to meet Mom—and Mom pulls you into a side room to say, “I don’t have a good feeling about this one.”

Look, my life is hard. You try caressing Donald Trump’s testicles in one hand. It’s a challenge. I mean, they’re lumpy and a bit hairy and shockingly pale, and when I massage the varicocele the greatest president this world had ever known makes a cooing sound. Like, “coooooo … coooooo … coooooo.” It’s simultaneously arousing and creepy. Mostly arousing.

Wait. I digress.

Yes, I’ve had sex with underage girls. It is true, and I’m proud of it. Because, really, is it having sex with underage girls if I’m picturing the greatest president this world has ever known while I’m having sex with underage girls? Like, let me put it this way: Last week, after picking Tiffany up from her middle school, I said to her, “You’re not Tiffany. You’re Donald!” And she said, “OK, but can you help me with algebra first?”

So I did. Because, more than anything, I’m about my constituents.

In conclusion, if I’m guilty of anything, it’s not of having sex with underage girls. No, it’s of having sex with underage girls and paying them in official Air Force One pens.

For that, I am truly regretful.

And I’d like my pens back.