Matt Gaetz is a Florida congressman and lover of underage vaginas. He offered this guest commentary to jeffpearlman.com
It has been brought to my attention that my strategy of Tweeting a whole hell of a lot isn’t really having the desired impact in fighting back against charges that I fuck youngsters.
So I am using this space to announce a new, improved strategy: I will fuck your grandma.
Yes! I, Rep. Matt Gaetz, will fuck your grandma. I will do it with my eyes closed, and I will picture her as a 15-year-old, and that new Dua Lipa song will play loudly from a nearby speaker, and I will insist she call me either “Daddy” or “Papa”—her choice. But I will, indeed, have sex with Grandma*, thereby proving my innocence in regards to these dreadful charges.
That’s the thing about me, Rep. Matt Gaetz. Despite what the liberal media says, I don’t simply pay to have sex with middle schoolers. No, I pay to have sex with high schoolers, too. And some of those high schoolers are probably 18 and, therefore, legal. Can I guarantee the age? No. But why does that make me a bad guy? Seventeen? Eighteen? Either way, they’re legal in certain regions of Slovenia.
In fact, I am excited to tell you, dear readers, that tomorrow I will be the headline speaker at the Republican Women For Pedophiles grand gala at Mar-a-Lago. My address—titled, “Really, take the candy”—should show the world that I, Rep. Matt Gaetz, am a man of the people. A man of principle. A man who digs fishnets and braces.
I love the innocents.
I am innocent.
• * This offer is contingent on Grandma keeping in her dentures.