Hey Matt Gaetz—your pal dumped you

Damn, I wish I were your lover.

In my favorite story of the year, multiple news outlets have reported that Donald Trump has denied Matt Gaetz a meeting.

This is not because Donald Trump was too busy.

This was not because Donald Trump was at Subway buying a foot-long.

This was not because Donald Trump was meeting with the ghost of Yinka Dare.


Donald Trump denied Matt Gaetz a meeting because Matt Gaetz had sex with teenagers, paid for the sex with teenagers and is slightly less toxic than a nuclear hemorrhoid. And photo ops with nuclear hemorrhoids rarely go well.

Right about now, Matt Gaetz is confused. He devoted the past 4 1/2 years to carrying Donald Trump’s phlegm bucket. He made the ultimate deal with the devil, not realizing the obvious: He was making a deal with the devil. Matt Gaetz loved the perks: Air Force One flights, a Washington Nationals game, Rose Garden speeches, hand jobs beneath the bleachers with Archie and Veronica. Even though he boasted bare-minimal experience, Matt Gaetz felt like The Man. And, to a certain degree, he was The Man. Fox News loved him. Newsmax loved him more. His crazy conservative corner of Florida loved how he shoved it to the libs. He was a Trump Guy. Maybe THE Trump Guy.

But Matt Gaetz didn’t read the fine-print. The little below-the-fold warning that said, DONALD TRUMP WILL INEVITABLY TOSS YOU TO THE CURB. BECAUSE HE’S A SELFISH SACK OF SHIT.

It was there. It’s always there. Just ask his first wife, his second wife, his fellow USFL owners, his casino co-investors, his Trump University students, his Trump Steak employees. Ask people who love him, like him, endure him, hate him. Ask folks who met Trump for a second and folks who’ve known Trump his whole life. Heck, ask me—author of a book about the USFL.






So Matt Gaetz is an outcast. Donald Trump used him for what he’s worth, and now the 45th president moved on to other stupid aspirants who crave the access Florida’s most teenager-loving congressional member once held.

It was inevitable.