I am under a desk

Matt Gaetz is a Florida congressman and lover of underage vaginas. He offered this guest commentary to

Hey, it’s Matt here. And I’m under my desk. So if there are any teetypos, it’s because I’m hiding.

First, the important thing: I still maintain I did not have sex with many teenagers. And if you think the word “many” suggests something, well, please shut up. All it means is if I did have sex with a teenager or two, it’s not true. Because I didn’t have sex with them. Or pay them. Except for the ones I paid. But they were hot. Wait. No. Not hot. Didn’t pay.

Also, the fake news needs to go. I saw that CNN report about Donald Trump refusing to meet with me because I might have/could have/didn’t/OK, maybe I did have sex with underage girls for money. And it’s fake news. I’ll now write that it capital letters, with a hashtag. It’s #FAKENEWS.

Donald Trump is my friend, and he wants to meet with me as soon as possible. He’s just … busy. Watching Aaron Rodgers host “Jeopardy.” Or doing president stuff. Like, important anti-fake news stuff that presidents do. We’re excited to meet together. He told me so. “Matt,” he said, “let’s be secret friends.”

“What do you mean, Mr. President?” I said.

He said, “We’ll be secret friends. Like, you stay over there and I’ll stay over here and we won’t talk and you’ll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever mention my name again.”

“But,” I said, “we’re still friends?”

“Sure,” he said. “But no.”


Anyhow, I’m excited and I’m Tweeting like crazy and I don’t believe @randybra22 who says I’m going to “get my ass carved up in prison. like a turkey at a lobster farm.”

Do lobsters farm?